If your Intent was to turn words into music. Bravo. The repetitive "ings" and "ands" and "E's" create a chiming bell effect. A little daunting to read but if in the right mood one can enjoy this. (See E A Poe's The Bells)

this is a poem?

melancholic? sweet cheese is a good name.

No actually It's all a true story. Except maybe it wasn't Jesus I saw... mmmnahh It was definately Christ.

I agree. It needs finished. It needs the sonnet. But that ain't done yet.

You make my head hurt. Home that beauty made means simply a place where beauty appears like on the face of a baby or in a flower garden.The last line of stanza 2 is a lead in to the first line of stanza 3. I somewhat agree with you on stanza 4 but the trick is to show the argument between what fondly was and what bitterly is. I'm not arguing with you though. Just thought I'd explain myself. Your critique is very useful. Thank you

Or maybe he was auditioning for the Sopranos.

was he busing tables?

Some good thoughts here, but lack of precision detracts. In verse 1, beauty does not make things like homes. In vers 2, "and this the state i've found you" doesn't add anything. Verse 3 is good. In Verse 4, "How time has shown it's presence" lacks meaning.. . .

The commas are mostly not right. This is not really a poem, but a statement in prose, a missive.

The first two lines say almost nothing. They set a dull pace which does not improve very much.

If you want to post a new poem, please do so. But when you pose a new poem as a revision of an old poem, the old comments look crazy.

From an outhouse at a campground long ago. Not original.

eleven

Two misspelled words and too broad. Needs specifics.

I think I should lose the (in it) of line 2. Seems unnecessary.

I liked Ike but not as much as I like your poem.

Err, I think it should be ice cream and not ice scream?