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Withering Rose (Other) by Imago
Someday all monuments will fall all statues crumble and paintings fade all roses wither in the fall for in no home that beauty made has beauty ever stayed Oh my magnificent rose the autumn leaves around you soon summer windows close and this the state i've found you far from the glorious days of spring of childrens laughter and humming bees when in the meadow robins sing and chipmunks chuckling in the trees and your beauty as gentle as the breeze How time has shown it's presence Crows have perched upon your temples those singing birds, now become pheasants and I see creases in your petals In my nostalgic eye a drop of dew adorns for there's still silk in your petals and milk in your stem and fire in your thorns and what can be made of them of which winter will soon condemn And still such a sweet smell Your fragrance. Tis like an aura Your skin though darkened I can tell still more radiant than other flora So what shall my worried heart say to thee My lovely withering rose What poetry can serve memory or music be composed to keep you in bloom eternally for dreams are made for those who stand among the autumn leaves mourning the withering rose

Up the ladder: Unfortunate Lover

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.25
Weighted score: 5.1490035
Overall Rank: 5337
Posted: October 25, 2004 1:51 AM PDT; Last modified: October 25, 2004 1:51 AM PDT
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Comments:
[6] Dovina @ 24.52.156.155 | 25-Oct-04/3:17 PM | Reply
Some good thoughts here, but lack of precision detracts. In verse 1, beauty does not make things like homes. In vers 2, "and this the state i've found you" doesn't add anything. Verse 3 is good. In Verse 4, "How time has shown it's presence" lacks meaning.. . .

[n/a] Imago @ 64.8.77.154 | 25-Oct-04/7:31 PM | Reply
You make my head hurt. Home that beauty made means simply a place where beauty appears like on the face of a baby or in a flower garden.The last line of stanza 2 is a lead in to the first line of stanza 3.
I somewhat agree with you on stanza 4 but the trick is to show the argument between what fondly was and what bitterly is. I'm not arguing with you though. Just thought I'd explain myself. Your critique is very useful. Thank you
[6] Dovina @ 24.52.156.155 > Imago | 25-Oct-04/8:54 PM | Reply
I didn't mean to hurt your head, and I knew what you meant. Those lines were not well stated, that was all.
[n/a] Imago @ 64.8.77.154 > Dovina | 25-Oct-04/9:01 PM | Reply
Oh OK. I'm open to more suggestions. Plus I would like to see some of your more conventional poetry posted. I know you have some mad ass rhymes in you. I'll look for them.
[8] edpeterson @ 68.79.58.106 | 26-Oct-04/4:44 AM | Reply
i think that the home/beauty line is the best in the poem. it makes perfect sense to me...that where beauty has made residence, it will never stay, but always move on to find new residence. Beauty does not construct, but rather make "something" her home. I think it works.

whether this is true or not, I cannot exactly say, nor do I particularly care.

I like the theme, and I think the language is well used in some parts, but, overall, I think you need to pull in the reins a little, as much of this feels over the top, but perhaps the "floweriness" of the language is apt after all. what the fuck would i know?

anyway, i think the ending is good, if a bit overplayed and somewhat cliche.
[n/a] Imago @ 64.8.77.144 > edpeterson | 26-Oct-04/10:51 AM | Reply
You make some great points Ed. It was inspired by some women I knew and I needed to make it metaphoric so as not to insult them. How many women and even men do we see fighting so desperately to maintain their beauty in vain.
It is one of my more sappier pieces. You guys give great critiques that an artist can truely learn from.
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