Dovina
replying on A Better God by Dovina
26 Oct 2004, 10:15 AM
Oh I see, you want me to replace my gross error, "My creatures will discover all that Iâve made quite pleasing and right" with your sublime, "My creatures will find all the things that I've made quite pleasing and right".
Comment: By Frederick Rigglesmeyer Friffelschmidt.
Yes, a womans bulging triceps are not something one should leave behind.
SHUT YOUR FACE
horus please.
Great storytelling. Has the chain been fixed yet?
I meant flinch. But now I'm considering using felch, which I find works just as well.
Sorry. But this poem exists only because I thought it would be fun to write a poem using the word blunderbuss.
shame you could not work "tars" into this somehow.
i think that the home/beauty line is the best in the poem. it makes perfect sense to me...that where beauty has made residence, it will never stay, but always move on to find new residence. Beauty does not construct, but rather make "something" her home. I think it works.
whether this is true or not, I cannot exactly say, nor do I particularly care.
I like the theme, and I think the language is well used in some parts, but, overall, I think you need to pull in the reins a little, as much of this feels over the top, but perhaps the "floweriness" of the language is apt after all. what the fuck would i know?
anyway, i think the ending is good, if a bit overplayed and somewhat cliche.
unspeakably daft.
this is excellent. In stanza 8 perhaps you mean flinch when you write flich? or is flich a word I have never heard?
Splendid, like a piece of warm toast firmly wedged in the buttocks of an Arab child.
The [White House] aide said that guys like me were "in what we call the reality-based community," which he defined as people who "believe that solutions emerge from your judicious study of discernible reality." I nodded and murmured something about enlightenment principles and empiricism. He cut me off. "That's not the way the world really works anymore," he continued. "We're an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality. And while you're studying that realityâjudiciously, as you willâwe'll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that's how things will sort out. We're history's actors ... and you, all of you, will be left to just study what we do."
- Ron Suskind
I am a Milwaukee Jerky Baron with a philanthropic streak. You are a relic of the Victorians. I'm Christopher Reeve's character in the film "The Remains of the Day". You're Christopher Reeve with more hair and not dead.
sorry I meant Mark Hamill. I need sleep.
In all seriousness, can you see the differences between the following:
a) "discover all that Iâve made quite pleasing and right";
b) my simplified example, "discover a dog friendly"; and
c) the structure in your comment, "discover what god has made and find it pleasing"?
In the first two, "discover" is performing the action which results in "pleasing and right"; in the last "find" is. I see now you meant to use "discover" as a synonym for "find", which of course it is, but not in the sense that you can "find grammar difficult", you see? Why not correct it by simply saying something like
"My creatures will find all the things that I've made
quite pleasing and right etc etc".
As far as "not a technical writing on science and religion" goes, what do you mean? And why shouldn't a poem hold together somewhat logically, grammatically, philosophically and so on and so on and so on. I don't know if you read poetry, or what kind of poetry you read, but I dare you to find me a famous poem that's not pretty consistent in these respects. At least, I can't think of any at the moment. Hey, thanks for listening.
Oh OK. I'm open to more suggestions. Plus I would like to see some of your more conventional poetry posted. I know you have some mad ass rhymes in you. I'll look for them.
I didn't mean to hurt your head, and I knew what you meant. Those lines were not well stated, that was all.
An Ode to plumbers everywhere. Nice little ditty.
Your first name's not Scott is it? "May the verse be with you."