ggawrysi
on Tomorrow's Dance by RevHydra
3 Jun 2004, 11:34 PM
reading it several times helps... believe me, i agreed with god'swife at first, but it starts to resemble something
i absolutely love it. zero.
why do u have to be so good?
I am infatuated with 2 men and in love with 1
awesome
OK. Your shit kicks my shit's ass. I keep trying to write this poem but I guess my life is too bland to appreciate the hackles raised on the nape of my neck as an "almost orgasm." Love the last stanza. I'm familiar with tofu boners but what is a meteor brother?
"Out of choas cums order."- Mel Brooks in blazing saddles.
my mom is scared of chickens chasing after her. She had a bad experience with one quite some time ago.
Nice rant.
i assume you are trying to make the worst list, so i shall help with zero.
How about a gank of smank?
i really liked this one. good job!
An Anagram of your poem's title is "I'd kiss a cunt" - I am therefore raising my vote from -2- to a -10- in light of your subversive humour - well done!!
this depicts people and beautifies our behaviour and is not i think kitch in its descriptiion.
written with style.
likey
Pretty good. By the way, I went canoing with your husband this weekend. He's a pretty good guy.
I've changed my profile, so can we please get back to critiquing the poem, not the wannabe poet?
"windowsill" is one word. The "That winter, the beaches were always empty" bit breaks the first two lines' really excellent rhythm. It's a little wordy there. I think you might do better with something like:
"Here, itâs always warm. The beaches were always empty,
That winter, and more stars than I had ever seen."
And you have two "always" in the same place in adjoining sentences.
"You never seemed like driftwood to me," was too obvious. But you could save it, perhaps, with "But were never driftwood to me" running into the previous sentence or, if possible, something more clever.
I'd drop the "as slow" or "Cuts us" from "Cuts us as slow," and the last bit of that stanza ("very air" and "mountains sing") needs changing.
By the time you get to "Your advice was usually good" you need some new sentence constructions besides the usual declarative/expostulatory. How about:
"Your advice, usually good, I carry like sticks..."? And "sticks of wood" is wordy and unnecessary. I know you did it for the rhyme, so you could do "I carry it like sunbleached wood" or "kindling wood" or something such. Drop the comma after "see" in that sentence.
Where you've made the rhyme heavier in the "verse" parts, you need to do more work. The fourth verse, particularly. And I'm not a big fan of rhetorical questions, and especially the CLSwift kind.
Still, good work, totally fixable, and more than worthy of a constructive criticism, so all you new Yorkshirish moor-dwellers can kindly kiss my bony ass.
Ms Portland Mason, James Mason's daughter, started smoking at the age of 3, with the consent of her parents, in the vain hope that she would not take up smoking in later life and she lived to the grand old age of 55. She also bought a bra and girdle for her tenth birthday.
This proves nothing other than that I read the Daily Telegraph's obituaries page each morning.
Do you collect roadkill? I do; in fact I have the largest collection of pickled otter bums in the whole of South West London.