Sasha
on Center Of The Universe by Dovina
21 Jun 2004, 8:47 AM
Too much telling, not enough showing.
I fill with wonder.
Very funny, Dan, but not today.
Yes to all of the above and, probably, to all of the below.
Great but the last ten lines reworked could make it stronger. Was it a necklace or a chain, I wonder.
you've got a very good sense of sprung rhythm in poetry.
This, however, does not excuse trying to rhyme left and wept, and heartbeat is accented on the first, not the last syllable.
You yourself say it in the poem:
"These awkward rhymes drone on and on"
Yes. Yes they really do.
To top it off you've got the poem's subject matter which, though very poetic, has been overdone to the point of nausea.
"All I want is to be your mate"
This means either a) you two are a pair of rabbits, wolves or dogs who cant wait to get it on, b) you are two australians drinking beer at a pub or 3) you are doing a very bad job of forcing a rhyme. My guess is 3)
Sorry to be so damning, but for one of the few times on pranker I feel the odd and somewhat out of place desire to critique this poem seriously. So now you have it
You do get a 6 for effort.
-Cheers-
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
21 Jun 2004, 9:10 AM
He's out gay hustlin'.
Have you been guffed on by a spaztronic guff manual?
An excellent poeme! No... wait that's daft... a GOOD poeme. But I'll have to end this comment with a caveat, because 'caveat' is rather a trendy word at the mo, and being trendy is one of the most excellent things a person can be (caveat: there is no fucking caveat) -10-
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
21 Jun 2004, 10:39 AM
You are precious...and simply amazing!
Excellent beginning, strong middle, somewhat sudden ending. Maybe one more line...? *9.5*
not my genre exactly, but well done. *8*
Sounds too much like only the decent beginning of a more substantial poem. I appreciate the use of language. *7*
You continue to amaze and never cease to impress. Fantastic broken lines. Particularly fond of lines 2 and 3. Outstanding! *10.5*
Good, if voted *8*
sigh...
Charming and thoughtful in the beginning - funny in a thoughtful way. Toward the end it tastes a little sour, which of course it is, but maybe alittle more subtle would be more impressive. Like it!
One of the best definitions of love I've seen. I really like, "for if logic or reason won over love, would it be the same?" Bravo!
"you thought him" -> you taught him
Sadly true, some good insight. I'd call it free verse and look for ways to shorten it and cull the cliche, "Hell would freeze over."