Dovina
on Cool In The Army by wilco
20 Jun 2004, 8:29 PM
Funny, funny
Liked it, but the "soul doth yearn" line made me wonder what century it was.
Wonderful!
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
21 Jun 2004, 12:54 AM
With you...wonders will never cease!
First I'm left thinking, "this could of been haiku'd or shortened."
Then I thought, "Now why the hell is he on the damned floor? fainted? drunk? 'floored' perhaps?"
and rhyming seems somewhat forced..
and no matter how hard I try, I can't see anything that I like in this one.. sorry. Plus it reminds me of youthful self-pity and the whiny days of being fourteen... and thats unpleasant, to put it mildly, since I'm guilty of having danced in it. Thank god it was then and not a day later..
Don't take my vote to heart or get, you know, offended? Wouldn't want to get boiled up over this.. though I've steamed for less, it gets boring.
Blessed with zero.
Simple and so true. But the horus bit? looks like a desperate attempt to be funny.. but fuck it, thats like your obbligato-- it wouldn't feel right without it.. for some odd completely senseless reason.
Take the nine, and fly, fly, fly away.
interesting point,
A fine rendering of age, of hanging on, with the mind on the wane, body failing. We can all expect it, but I'd rather remember more than argueing crows and poison oak. Sad, but often true. Good
Haunting and good.
I don't like about suicide, but if it helps you to cope, then okay. Some redundancies could be omitted like, "The world rushed by me / At an intense pace," as one example. "You quickly broke my neck" was a surprise.
Excellent, cruel, biting ending makes this work. Would've liked to see it split up though, and the last line should have a comma. *8*
Fantastically whimsical and oddly sad, very well written. Last rhyme could use some work. *9.5*
Beautifully simple...err...simply beautiful. *9*
"piss" kind of threw me off, and this is almost too close to prose for me, but impressive nonetheless. Great imagery and conveyance. *10*
Lacking something that I cannot put my overly critical finger on... *7*
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
20 Jun 2004, 12:30 PM
A moving family memoir with a beautiful juxtaposition of swollen balls and prisonerâs release. Ace, tops, and cigar.
Try Babelfish. That makes things interesting usually
Sounds like a nice place.
Did you intend a connection between these 2 lines:
"For his life has been wasted with no one but himself
He has not enjoyed life to the fullest"