yeah it does a bit

Yet it is not mentioned in the Bible. Hmmm.

Ah, to be young again, or old again, still lying on the beach. Not bad.

"The drugs you take spread through my veins. But your betrayal kills my high." Some nice lines

I don't like *trippy* and the first two lines of the last stanza go pimply try to change the why/fly. The rest, unlike me, is ace.

Is this a rewrite? It is evocative (because I can never spell reminiscent without a spell checker) of a poem I thought I remember seeing posted here before this. However, I enjoyed this one more than the last. It has an "uplift" at the end.

A fun and slightly erotic read. A bunch of tricky words, some of them new. I wish the last verse followed the style as well as the others.

you haven't posted anything recently why, your stuff is very interesting. you seem a little touched in the head and i appreciate that.

Something about this just reminds of a Doobie Brothers' song (I think it's obvious which one). I love the subject and the language, but the 3rd staza seems out of place amongst those same elements.

In other words "I ain't never gonna leave..well at least till I up and die." was more of a dream. The 3rd stanza was meant to sound more mature, and well written as if written by a more educated person that moved away and found a life. I prefer not to spoil it too much feel free to read farther into it though :)

Massangel, I don't know what to say about this, your poems remind me of another time, not a bad time, but another time. I think people aren't getting you and are judging your work by a different kind of perspective, I get what you are doing and I appreciate it. Is this about you getting published or about you sharing your experiences, because if it's the latter, it's nice work, it's not always about being modern and technical, sometimes it is just about sharing, and that can be nice :) I hope I didn't sound patronizing, I'm sincere. Cat

We can all relate to this - I felt this way two years ago - first real boyfriend - I have now spent the past year with the best boyfriend ever imagineable - reflect on how much you have learned from your previous relationship and move on - liars never change - you do not deserve this - Most obvious corrections: S1L1 - They are S1L3 - Sit S2L2 - out my heart S2L3 - it into S4L3 - kill dunno S7L3 - without

"just open up your heart open your eyes and you will see" Because open was already used on that first line.. It may look better if you used another word for open..in the first sentence..like unlock? on the second line or used it in a series for instance Open up your heart Open up your eyes Close down your ... etc... also.. you don't need to write "I meant it, (and)seriously" I meant it and seriously basically mean the same thing in this poem.. I don't know.. It was pretty straightforward. I'm sure this was the intention and it did well in that respect..However it lacks in creativity..

sorry that was somewhat confusing is there a way to edit comments?

Tyrranosaurus Rex gobbles a million mex.

I get it. C. Lewis wrote an essay called "What I tell you three times is true." You use this formula to lend veracity to your poem.

I can't comment on the technical aspect of it, but the subject matter just feels very selfish, very self absorbed, the person in this poem is angry at one person, because they don't love them, but they are leading this other person on...It's just very pop song lyric like. It needs to be deeper, you can make this something interesting, I think you could rewrite this experience (don't know if its real or not) into something more than just a "Two Lovers" by Mary Wells and make it into more of a "Next Lifetime" by Erykah Badu, not that Badu's lyrics are perfect, but it's a different perspective and maybe that's what's needed here.

I think it should end at "cliches".

It was meant to be one "eye". The title represents what I am missing in this world because of loneliness and boredom.

Yes, it was meant to be out of place. :)