Great. Just right, i think.

Next caller please. And by god, this better be good!

Just open a channel and collect whatever comes accross the airwaves.

the punctiation is kind of annoying and breaks the poem up in a weird way

Yes legion and many mean the same thing. It's a quote.

I like this better, a lot better if only because you've actually tried. You are still struggling with the form. I tried shaping it up a little. It's a bit better this way I think: This path I travel down is worn old leaves are crunched beneath my feet A newer me would be reborn. My walk began. I was forlorn In feeling I was lost and beat. The path I traveled down was worn In the late nights I'd look out and mourn- Look out my window; down my street A newer me will be reborn. My heart gets tugged until it's torn Whose tearing makes me incomplete This path I travel down is worn. The night departs, its promise sworn And I arise for day is fleet. A newer me will be reborn With the new day whose newer morn Readies me for a newer feat. For this path I travel down is worn. A newer me must be reborn.

Since Fascists write poetry that rhymes, are you a fascist too, since you do just that. Or are you not, since this dribble isn't really poetry anyway. Wait till you're at least 20 dude.

A prose poem always flounders, by definition, an indecicive thing looking for a home between the ramble of a short story and the concision of a poem. Seldom do prose poets space out their lines this much. In the end I think it flows pretty well, which is just a feeling, based on nothing logical. But I do wish you'd make up your mind.

I have to weigh in on this because I think it is damn near perfect. I think it would be perfect if you Ironed out the beat. I know you can. Why you did not, is what I don't understand. 9

This is the best of yours I have read. It leads the reader with its images rather than making general statements which it can't support (your biggest weakness in other poems). Pinon planter was good as well. You can not have a -10- because I don't give -10-'s. Have a -9-

Well written. Like the spacing for the bit ending in 'hard.' A lot of the rest is a bit excessive (this is a prose poem yet every single sentence is split by huge gaps). A simple line break between point/point/point (keep the alignment) should be enough and should remedy the typographical ugliness of the poem.

'Easily could I spin nets of words' and the whole last verse jar a bit because the other verses' sounds are so regular. Other than that this has fine lyricism.

INSIPID what you mean Dovina?

The first line is, I'm afraid, grammatical nonsense. Permit me to explain. If you call on something, especially someone's wrath, you call on it to do something. Thus, if you want to keep the 'upon, you would have to add a verb later on, and say something along the lines of 'Call upon the wrath of God To fall on them'. Elsewise, you can rid yourself of the upon and keep the rest as it is [with one exception I'll get to in a moment] -- 'Call the wrath of God on them' -- which would be the equivalent, more or less, of your 'Pox on thee' example. Secondly, it should be (as in my rewritten versions) 'on THEM', due to the fact that 'Thee' is the singular pronoun. As it stands, you're telling the abuser to call the wrath of God on himself -- an admirable sentiment, perhaps, but not very practical or likely. Besides, to make it work as it is, you'd have to change the tense in the second line to 'Who sees' -- again, 'Thee' being singular. Also, the fourth and fifth lines are just plain silly. And the spelling's a disaster.

Thank you for posting this. It made me go back to work on my dead bird poem. Why does the title sound as if this poem is taken from a novel or movie?

The first verse nicley evokes a sad tale coming, except for the rogue comma. I love openings like this. Is it a heron or an egret? They're about the same, right?

If you're going to post a revision, at least correct the spelling!

Pale is used twice in the 1st stanza. Keep the rose buds. Snow white /pale washes itself out. The second stanza is just too generic. too many b,l,u,e words ant too many possible end rhymes to take easy street. Do it again. S-3 How to emotions swell? You used -unfurled- in the second line. swell or unfurl. pick one. and your closers are too generic. Find an image that equates this. A horse with blinders on perhaps? A tunnel vision driver? Plenty to choose from. The poem is not bad, just too much telling. The Blue eyes is particularly good. If you like this poem, take it apart and rebuild it. Still you're improving. An unlisted 7.

I most strongly disagree with all of you. "Call upon the wrath of god on ye" Is an excellent bit of mockery of those who have no idea how to sound archaic but try to anyway. "scurge" is a nicely subtle way of shortening the line to the author's specifications in the manner of the great Robert Duncan. The pun on "may be" in the fourth to last line is an example of supreme wit matched only by the uncapitalized god, a most original way of indicating the author's displeasure with religion. In short, there are few poems better crafted than this. Thus this poem most certainly merits a score of..... HAHAH Gotcha there. Just kidding. "Call upon the wrath of god on ye" just sounds like an illiterate wanker trying to sound biblical "scurge" should be scourge "it maybe" should be "it may be" Now, since you posted a "correction" I would assume that you would at least fix those utterly guffy fuckups if not delete the whole dribbling amorphous, artless and musicless pseudopoem. However, since you did not, I can only assume that your edit was to get your poem up to the top of the list again and erase the 7 and the 8 you'd gotten (which were really generous) Before you wonder about it, yes I really do mean it. Please, try again. On second thought, don't! -10 of shame-

This is the sort of thing you should have left on that sheet of lined paper and never bothered to type. It's quite bad, really. I'm sorry for your loss but it does not make for good poetry or moving reading. This is the very worst thing you could do for the memory of the dead. You are unwittingly generalizing one more dead person and lumping them in with the rest who have had so many bad poems elegizing their deaths. This poem, while it may be meaningful to you, is meaningless and laughable to the rest of us. If you can believe it, so many kiddies ask me to read poetry just like this expecting me to praise it. I do exactly what I'm doing now. I tell them this kind of poetry, as common as kleenex and as disposable, is exactly why "young creative writers" classes are a bad idea. If you really want to do justice to the memory of the dead, focus on what made your friend unique in life, instead of what made your friend another badly rhymed "poem" among the rest of the prematurely dead.