some deleted user
on As the Flowers Bloom by nothingtoanyone
24 May 2005, 1:13 PM
A *9* for daring to be original
"skim layers of skin" - that lava soap did that. Didn't know you lived next door.
Wish I could do that.
You should set off the refrain some way, indented perhaps, Maybe call this a lyric. Most of this is good, but "worship" goes too far.
The nostalgia greys out under all this summing up.
Good. Just a few take-it-or-leave-its:
"and belief turned lies"?
"A father's seed"?
"made to bleed"?
thanks for giving me a zero MOFO
that was my first poem and try to look up FOUND POEMs on google
http://www.google.com/search?num=20&;
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
24 May 2005, 9:34 AM
The list is a punishment for the reader. But the last four lines are so wonderfully effective.
Not great, but saved by the ending.
Somewhere in Jamaica, mon, an ebony hand strokes a poinciana pod. He likely has a voodoo doll, but harms it little for folks in America, regretting their music mixes with so much self abuse.
"I am Ungrateful,
Ungratefully....
That's simply fucking awful, man.
You may suck, as long as you spit out something decent
This is an improvement over your other nature poems. It rambles here and there, like 'never ending' twice, well, I tried to change one into 'eternal' but it doesn't work and you've used 'eternity' already elsewhere.
The best poems about neverendings and eternities are in fact those that do not use these words...
<< white-topped and rolling >>
white topped and rolling. The problem with English is that it has many combiwords that call for a hyphen and they are quite ugly in poems.
Nice last line.
cute idea; doesn't work as a poem for me. You could probably get this published somewhere, regardless.
pimple :/
dense, hasn't really said anything by the sixth line that makes me want to read on...
doesn't work for me. I get the concept, but the flow stumbles.
"gone by" repetition hurts; I lose the rhythm in "Let me know your experience", and there's not much non-generic to pull my interest fuerther.
toped->topped, I presume?
surfers -> surfer's, maybe
swimmers -> swimmer's, definitely
still frame -> still-frame
...
I think you might have an elegant image here, between the shredded lines. Still, it's somewhat generic; hard to rub a pearl out of it.