Alizarin_Crimson
on Troublemaker by Patsy
23 May 2005, 1:18 PM
yay! You are my favorite!
Vouldn't a band-aid have vorked as vell, Count?
"slightly disappointing" doesn't match the description that follows. Other sloppy lines show that this is merely a first draft, not ready for posting.
The trouble is that it is not explicit.
Nice.
"revelling in it" -> "reveling"
Sounds like a Willie Nelson wail.
An interesting scenario of possible outcomes. The ending seems wrong though, because some traces of humanity would doubtless remain. And immortality having a time limit is just mis-worded.
you're such an ugly-souled little cousinfucker.
Expound on the "saints" in line 9...maybe you already have...perhaps I crept ahead too quickly? Still compelling enough for a second read. 8.9
<< sensible, respectful, fun >>
I can imagine why you add this (can I? I'm a man), but I wished you had kept it out. Or at least express the unique line of womanhood in a less explicit way.
The way these (those) two people are presented is quite strong, I like the way their closeness is described.
A wife's breast as an inspiration for an architect; wonderful.
Five sentences beginning with 'and'. Too much? It gives the poem a cadenza that isn't unpleasant. Almost like a slow waltz.
The last line with the question mark: so-so
Yes, I like this one.
the repetition works very well.
So, what happened? I leave for a while and Rockmage comes back filled with old hippie hatred for everything and plasters everyone with zeroes? I'm a little confused.
I don't know that this is a concrete...I'm a fan of repetition to some extend but I think it's too much here. Try the "deep dark eyes part mybe every third or fourth stanza...
I'm not sure what the hell Cha is, but it makes me feel funny in the pantular area.
Quite a departure from your usual style.
Ah...nostalgia! Pass the catsup and don't forget to bring in the wash off the line after dinner.
which means they are poor, wrapped up very well and cha could be so many places.