| regarding some deleted poem... |
Dovina 69.175.32.185 |
23-May-05/11:57 AM |
|
"slightly disappointing" doesn't match the description that follows. Other sloppy lines show that this is merely a first draft, not ready for posting.
|
|
|
 |
| regarding some deleted poem... |
Dovina 69.175.32.185 |
23-May-05/11:59 AM |
|
The trouble is that it is not explicit.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Making a Mark by andrew barnes |
Dovina 69.175.32.185 |
23-May-05/12:14 PM |
|
An interesting scenario of possible outcomes. The ending seems wrong though, because some traces of humanity would doubtless remain. And immortality having a time limit is just mis-worded.
|
|
|
|
| Re: After a Show at the Lyceum by andrew barnes |
Dovina 69.175.32.185 |
23-May-05/12:24 PM |
|
Nice.
"revelling in it" -> "reveling"
|
|
|
|
| Re: Return by windyone |
Dovina 69.175.32.185 |
23-May-05/12:29 PM |
|
Too sappy for general appreciation.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Troublemaker by Patsy |
Alizarin_Crimson 68.227.184.146 |
23-May-05/1:18 PM |
|
yay! You are my favorite!
|
|
|
|
| Re: Swoon by Dovina |
Dovina 69.175.32.185 |
23-May-05/1:56 PM |
|
Thank you, rockmage, for your timely and predictable response. By the way, did you read the poem?
|
|
|
|
| Re: Swoon by Dovina |
wilco 24.165.207.93 |
23-May-05/3:41 PM |
|
I can't say that I have. I'm going to assume you have, though, and give this an 8.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Spontaneous Combustion by wilco |
Dovina 69.175.32.185 |
23-May-05/3:47 PM |
|
Sounds like a Willie Nelson wail.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Swoon by Dovina |
some deleted user 81.69.23.196 |
23-May-05/4:38 PM |
|
<< sensible, respectful, fun >>
I can imagine why you add this (can I? I'm a man), but I wished you had kept it out. Or at least express the unique line of womanhood in a less explicit way.
The way these (those) two people are presented is quite strong, I like the way their closeness is described.
A wife's breast as an inspiration for an architect; wonderful.
Five sentences beginning with 'and'. Too much? It gives the poem a cadenza that isn't unpleasant. Almost like a slow waltz.
The last line with the question mark: so-so
Yes, I like this one.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Spontaneous Combustion by wilco |
some deleted user 81.69.23.196 |
23-May-05/4:42 PM |
|
the repetition works very well.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Ungrateful by Damien_ |
middenHeap 80.132.239.3 |
23-May-05/7:09 PM |
|
you're such an ugly-souled little cousinfucker.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Spontaneous Combustion by wilco |
wilco 24.165.207.93 |
23-May-05/8:27 PM |
|
So, what happened? I leave for a while and Rockmage comes back filled with old hippie hatred for everything and plasters everyone with zeroes? I'm a little confused.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Semite to Semite by PodPoet |
wilco 24.165.207.93 |
23-May-05/8:40 PM |
|
I don't know that this is a concrete...I'm a fan of repetition to some extend but I think it's too much here. Try the "deep dark eyes part mybe every third or fourth stanza...
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
wilco 24.165.207.93 |
23-May-05/8:42 PM |
|
I'm not sure what the hell Cha is, but it makes me feel funny in the pantular area.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
jessicazee 205.188.116.199 |
24-May-05/1:45 AM |
|
Expound on the "saints" in line 9...maybe you already have...perhaps I crept ahead too quickly? Still compelling enough for a second read. 8.9
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
Caducus 172.212.145.191 |
24-May-05/5:13 AM |
|
which means they are poor, wrapped up very well and cha could be so many places.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Swoon by Dovina |
Dan garcia-Black 66.159.205.145 |
24-May-05/8:40 AM |
|
Quite a departure from your usual style.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Kerri & Terri by jessicazee |
Dan garcia-Black 66.159.205.145 |
24-May-05/8:50 AM |
|
Ah...nostalgia! Pass the catsup and don't forget to bring in the wash off the line after dinner.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
Dan garcia-Black 66.159.205.145 |
24-May-05/8:54 AM |
|
Vouldn't a band-aid have vorked as vell, Count?
|
|
|
|
