| regarding some deleted poem... |
windyone 63.245.189.142 |
22-May-05/11:15 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
andrew barnes 62.31.217.101 |
22-May-05/12:23 PM |
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Yep, I think the phrase "Masturbatory madness" just about sums it up.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
andrew barnes 62.31.217.101 |
22-May-05/12:35 PM |
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| Re: Rock of the Earth by ingwa |
richa 81.178.138.147 |
22-May-05/1:33 PM |
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Quite like the first verse although the 'ages gone by' and then 'hunts gone by' sounds inelegant and before I die seems a bit melodramatic. Sonically speaking the poem does not hang together well, the rhythm is all over the place.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
richa 81.178.138.147 |
22-May-05/1:36 PM |
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Needs a bit more poeticism in it. An image here or there that sort of thing.
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| Re: Ungrateful by Damien_ |
richa 81.178.138.147 |
22-May-05/1:38 PM |
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| Re: Making a Mark by andrew barnes |
richa 81.178.138.147 |
22-May-05/1:44 PM |
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Fair enough. I agree with W though. There is a missed opportunity to be creative in the early part.
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| Re: A Night By The Shore by Bhaskaryya |
richa 81.178.138.147 |
22-May-05/1:48 PM |
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boon, goon and croon are forced rhymes and if references are your thing (i.e. aashik's soul) use some more it makes the poem interesting. Other than that well done.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
richa 81.178.138.147 |
22-May-05/1:51 PM |
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It is probably a bit long. If your poem is going to be so non poetic you really want to be writing the message as succinctly as possible. If the poem was filled with poetic device and image however length would be no problem. And lines with virtually only prepositions on are pretty pointless.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
ingwa 80.46.158.47 |
22-May-05/2:54 PM |
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I'm sorry, I don't see what season is being reflected here, unless the rotting leaves refer to heat.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Jolen 172.164.192.43 |
22-May-05/4:11 PM |
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I thought Haiku's were to be about nature.... And not sure how this tied together, but.... hey, It's your vision.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Jolen 172.164.192.43 |
22-May-05/4:13 PM |
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If he has so little control over the 'puppet' then is he really a Master? To me, A Master operates his 'tool' with precision and grace.....
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| Re: spherical by Patsy |
Alizarin_Crimson 68.227.184.146 |
22-May-05/4:22 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Alizarin_Crimson 68.227.184.146 |
22-May-05/7:42 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
some deleted user 81.69.23.196 |
22-May-05/11:44 PM |
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This is a fine little story, it would make for good proze. But as a poem, nâh.
For some reason I hear the voice of Peggy Lee; in the spoken part of the song 'Is that all there is'.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
some deleted user 81.69.23.196 |
22-May-05/11:50 PM |
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I'm probably not the right guy to remark this... The 'explicit' thing here is not X-rated explicits, but the woes and throes of a relationship. And there is too much of them. What this needs is a good editing.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
some deleted user 81.69.23.196 |
23-May-05/6:19 AM |
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For once I consider the Zero fully deserved. The poem, I just found out, gets flunked by a hilarious mistake in the storyline. Know thy vampyre classics, DoubleU...
Better next time
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| Re: Internet Prisoner by avwiz71 |
windyone 63.245.189.142 |
23-May-05/7:47 AM |
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Wonderful and hearwrenching Jon..thanks for sharing
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Dan garcia-Black 66.159.232.180 |
23-May-05/8:03 AM |
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Cha, Che or chai? If it's about chai, line thirteen should read, "No man died or went pour..."
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Dovina 69.175.32.185 |
23-May-05/11:31 AM |
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Unplanted plantations - subdivide and sell off the land, or go poor.
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