Needs a bit more poeticism in it. An image here or there that sort of thing.

:)

Fair enough. I agree with W though. There is a missed opportunity to be creative in the early part.

Yep, I think the phrase "Masturbatory madness" just about sums it up.

way should be weigh

This is a fine little story, it would make for good proze. But as a poem, nâh. For some reason I hear the voice of Peggy Lee; in the spoken part of the song 'Is that all there is'.

I'm probably not the right guy to remark this... The 'explicit' thing here is not X-rated explicits, but the woes and throes of a relationship. And there is too much of them. What this needs is a good editing.

For once I consider the Zero fully deserved. The poem, I just found out, gets flunked by a hilarious mistake in the storyline. Know thy vampyre classics, DoubleU... Better next time

Wonderful and hearwrenching Jon..thanks for sharing

Cha, Che or chai? If it's about chai, line thirteen should read, "No man died or went pour..."

Fell asleep

Quite like the first verse although the 'ages gone by' and then 'hunts gone by' sounds inelegant and before I die seems a bit melodramatic. Sonically speaking the poem does not hang together well, the rhythm is all over the place.

boon, goon and croon are forced rhymes and if references are your thing (i.e. aashik's soul) use some more it makes the poem interesting. Other than that well done.

It is probably a bit long. If your poem is going to be so non poetic you really want to be writing the message as succinctly as possible. If the poem was filled with poetic device and image however length would be no problem. And lines with virtually only prepositions on are pretty pointless.

I'm sorry, I don't see what season is being reflected here, unless the rotting leaves refer to heat.

I thought Haiku's were to be about nature.... And not sure how this tied together, but.... hey, It's your vision.

If he has so little control over the 'puppet' then is he really a Master? To me, A Master operates his 'tool' with precision and grace.....

Yay!

eeeuuuwwww.........

Unplanted plantations - subdivide and sell off the land, or go poor.