Re: I Remembered, Upon Waking by Alizarin_Crimson	Dovina 69.175.32.185	20-May-05/11:56 AM
I hate to disturb a perfectly symmetrical voting pattern, so I'll just say that it's still a pretty good poem and better with the changes and just can't figure out rackmage these days.
Re: To Making Do by Dovina	Alizarin_Crimson 24.250.22.18	20-May-05/12:28 PM
Great, except I don't think you need the "I said" in the frist line of the 3rd stanza. Its pretty self-explanitory.
Re: Ransom by windyone	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	20-May-05/12:49 PM
The first two lines are quite telling, actually. I better not react without thinking it over well. Somehow past en present do not interlink, Windyone. Somebody's crying which triggers off your own (let's personalize this for the moment) experience from long ago, but you do not explain the other person -the cause of your reverting back in time- any further, which leaves the poem sort of unfinished. Do you mind if I try to tackle this? If you do, I can always delete it again. Your cries, echoes of mine from long ago He was my friend he said long ago and not so His words gotta show you something and I followed my innocence and him into the room, uninhabitated for so long but not forgotten My words fail, hear me crying for you
Re: I Remembered, Upon Waking by Alizarin_Crimson	Enkidu 204.98.2.23	20-May-05/1:05 PM
I do not feel, presently, like explaining myself. *7*
Re: Talia Eternal by Enkidu	Alizarin_Crimson 24.250.22.18	20-May-05/1:53 PM
I DO know what slake means. I think you have used it poorly here. I know exactly what I am doing with my language, thank you. Read the scores. This one sucks (and I didn't even vote on it)!
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 69.175.32.185	20-May-05/5:45 PM
Spooky. A good read.
Re: In (ghazal) by INTRANSIT	Bhaskaryya 202.63.190.227	21-May-05/2:16 AM
Is this even a ghazal? I thought ghazals were a string of couplets which made sense individually too. (Like the pearl necklace which looks beautiful while strung together but is worthy of praise while viewed singularly too) Ghazals have a certain refrain in the 2nd line of every couplet (and both lines of the first) added with a monorhyme before the refrain. You need to address yourself in the last couplet (called signature couplet) Well, there are around 50 rules to make a concrete ghazal and this follows none. I like the content though.....6 PS: I don't post much on this site, but I'd put up few of my ghazals now if you'd like to look at them.
regarding some deleted poem...	Bhaskaryya 202.63.190.227	21-May-05/2:37 AM
I thoughts ghazals used monorhyme (just before the refrain). Moreover, you didn't use the signature couplet. Your meter is spot on though and I love the content. Here's an article that sums up all that a ghazal is: http://allpoetry.com/Column/784848 BTW, I checked the site you cited but they have mistaken the rhyme part. Ghazals don't use end rhyme (though they could be used as a supplement). The rhyme is upon the syllable exactly before the refrain. I have one ghazal posted among qiite a few I've penned. I'd be glad to receive a comment from you :) 9 from me!
Re: A Night By The Shore by Bhaskaryya	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	21-May-05/11:33 AM
A ghazal is an Urdu poetry form? I assume that here you maintain a traditional form. It's not the repetition that irritates me, but the abridgement. Why not 'underneath'? And why not 'underneath the moon' as a seperate line?
Re: Ransom by windyone	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	21-May-05/11:40 AM
The 'broken Angel' doesn't make it any clearer to me. It's almost as if you don't want to talk about other victims and only about yourself. It would make more sense if you did just that. Sorry, but that's how I read it.
Re: Bilateral by Hadasl	andrew barnes 62.31.216.18	21-May-05/12:22 PM
Liked the title.....interesting rhyming scheme but found the rhymes themselves too obvious. Content seemed unfocused.... obvious passion but was this written for the reader or the author ?
Re: Cardiovascular workout formula by abi	andrew barnes 62.31.216.18	21-May-05/12:25 PM
Quite jolly ! Even for a comic piece the repetition of "go" in lines 5 and 6 is iritating !
Re: Making a Mark by andrew barnes	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	21-May-05/2:10 PM
Except for the last five lines this is plainly a 20th Century Fox Disaster scenario. Let's add some fun: As Mabus' toes were freezing off, he lighted a match to thaw them. Right at that moment, God lifted His hem and farted, with a soft crackle the universe exploded and the end of immortality smothered even Satans cackle
Re: After a Show at the Lyceum by andrew barnes	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	21-May-05/2:13 PM
This is so much nicer than the 'Make a mark' rubbish elsewhere
Re: Return by windyone	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	21-May-05/4:38 PM
I react solely because of that despicable zero voting. Do you, or do you not want a comment on this poem, Windyone? Because frankly, I get sick & tired of 'hurting' people while my only goal is to help others, and subsequently myself, to make better poems.
Re: Ungrateful by Damien_	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	21-May-05/6:51 PM
I'll vote, as a punishment for those godawful capitals. Barbarics. Squirting Heinz Dracula jism onto the virginial limbs of french fries; another such sin
regarding some deleted poem...	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	22-May-05/7:42 AM
What I see here, as in so many poems, is a disharmonious MESSAGE. It's about incomprehension and the inability to communicate, but what's got toes to do with it? They may have a place in your 'plan' but it's not worked out well. << My fingers and toes even seem to be yelling Though I feel like I can't scream loud enough >> Why the crummy grammar? 'I feel my fingers can't scream loud enough even my toes seem to be yelling' That's just as crude, but at least makes more sense. << I can sympathize >> This strips the poem from any provocativeness it may contain, Tadpole.
Re: Return by windyone	some deleted user 81.69.23.196	22-May-05/8:41 AM
This is a romantic poem. Nothing wrong with that, but you present an awful collection of platitudes here. << I hear your joy for life in your voice >> for instance can be told in many ways. You choose the most basic of linguistic expressions. You could turn it into this: 'Your voice sings out your joy for life' There are probably a million alternatives. Work 'm out and choose one that complements the rhythm of your poem. The line with the Cardinals alsmost reads like a newspaper headline: CARDINALS CALLING OUT FROM TREES - United Nations In Session For Emergency Debate... Do a bit more with those cardinals (a bird I suppose, it's not in my dictionary). For instance, << the gentle touch of your hand >>, another platitude we better leave to Norah Jones, could be connected to the cardinals: 'a bird's wing touches my hand, yours' I'm sure some pop crooner used this gem before, but at least it gives a more poet image, and by placing her hand to the next line altogether, you heighten dramatics. Don't hesitate to insert Dreamworks trickery in poetry! Poetry is playing with words, and hardly anything else! F*ck the 'I wormed this undulated out of my intelligently tormented soul-arse'. What I often do, is make thumbnail sketches. And then I start looking at them. I mean, really LOOKING. What do I want to communicate? Well, I'm in love! I'm in love more than anyone else! I want the world to stop turning and look my way and see how much in love I am! Then you better come up with something that really grasps people's attention. << The way your eyes light up when you smile >> 'The way'. WHAT way? Those lighted-up eyes leave me completely in the dark. 'I'm blinded by the light from your eyes' or 'I want so much to see your eyes but I'm blinded by their light(s)' I'm shuddering right now... I myself would do it quite different: 'The light in your eyes could open mine and squelche my thirst but it blinds me first and then scorches me' Now various other PR's must be shuddering... But see what I mean Windyone? Don't just write down your feelings and leave it at that. Mould and sculpture them.
Re: A Night By The Shore by Bhaskaryya	Shuushin 64.223.163.187	22-May-05/9:22 AM
Lovely images and the repetition blends nicely without become washed out. I'm not very familiar with the stories related to Aashik-e-Rasool, but surely this must do them justice.
Re: To Making Do by Dovina	Dan garcia-Black 66.159.205.217	22-May-05/11:03 AM
A lot of talking to yourself on this one, Dovina. Is that a sign of a sound mind? It seems a bit of a "brag." Maybe I just envy you your last stanza. My poem would end in opposite tone. -8- For lording your freedom over an oppressed mass--Me.