wilco
on MTV's The Real World: Allpoetry.com by Bluemonkey
25 May 2005, 6:17 PM
Ever the asshole...
'Mellifluent' sets off the rhythm of the poem, but right after that rhythm isn't maintained...
I can't place the 'replaced' bit.
This reads like a commercial rhyme from the 1950's...
It's almost funny. You should have quit after stanza four. Rewrite this. In satirical proza.
Tempt eve with a better ace? Cheap. The end made my face go red.
This is funny and worth the effort to iron out. My first thoughts are: lose stanza 10, the clouds. and go with the four line stanzas. Really! Do this ! Or else!
i get it.
You read Plath? holy cow. I'd better give her a once over at least.
mmmph...
Some interfsting images here, but Rockmage is right above: They don't hang together well.
Nice ending, but sorry to say, the rest is not....ummm great....
The indentations are not needed. Also for someone who wants to kill the cliche, there's a lot of it here...maybe that's the point.
Agree with Rockmage. But I also object to the treatment of the story. The pain, the pain. Could be the base for a poem that does not need the word 'pain'...
<< her lover can't, or won't love her >>
Perhaps she's unbearable ugly? Frigid? He found out she wasn't the rich bitch he thought she was?
You don't show anything. She, watching him leave the house with a stiff back, clenched fists, for instance. An empty stare. An upturned dinnerplate on the tabel. There are so many ways to visualize relational pain.
The best lines are the last one and 'It's all the same to her', but they become statements that call for an explanation. They are too detached from what it is all about.
This is really just a very poor sort of remake of a religious text. I can be considered cute. It is not good.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
25 May 2005, 6:47 PM
Viewing this as a text for a rocksong? Was it written to music, and thus compromised, or was the music folded around the existing text?
It has its moments, except for the first five lines; nonsense.
The third verse seems weak compared to the rest.
In Los Angeles, Whore-ratio to Johns is an important factor in discerning the economic health of business around bridges and industrial parks. Right now the Horatio is in custody pending arraignment for solicitation of a police officer for an unnatural act (he asked LAPD to arrest a black guy without beating the shit out of him) I don't think Horatio will make it "virgin intactae" for his court date.
You have 9 open and 8 closed. Remove the first open in the second line. If you'd used my method this would not have happened.