Dovina
on A Hallmark Card for You (With Love) by Bluemonkey
13 Jun 2005, 3:34 PM
I'm trying to think of someone I might send this to, and coming up blank.
The reprises wear out after stanz 5 but a good and original form just the same.
I'll hold off saying why I'm laughing. For now, I'll just take exception to "togetherness that was never there to begin with" as meaningless.
I like the spacing.
Drop the first line.
Second verse is good.
I think you could say this better with the restraints of haiku.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
13 Jun 2005, 4:18 PM
Meaningless? Not for me, it is. And not for the people who married because God and his mortal sidekicks want them to. Moral blackmail it is called and it made, and makes, a lot of men and women suffer. Not me, it does. Therefore I owe them a poem.
Like Dr. Seuss. The ending is weak.
Associative writing. A keyword (f.i. 'emotion'), and from there on write everything down that pops into your mind. It can lead to interesting finds. I mean, who would think of using 'Moo-moo' in a poem and a reader's advice to pause for a demented laugh?
So true. But the phrasing could have done with a little more imagination.
By the way; Europe congratulates Michael Jackson on his victory. Of course he and McCaulkin feeled each other up, but that can't be the reason the latter one rode the coke wagon.
Like describing a blow job on Uranus.
I disagreed with the general premise of your poem.
However, I did see the images in my head as I read it.
I like this poem.
I thought of cigarettes when I read this. Camel hard pack. I have no idea why.
raunchy
I self-define as a cactus that wants a hug.
Fine
The rhyming keeps the very long lines from going astray. This is a good one. It would have been a lot better if you hadn't been so outright about 'strapping into an electric chair'. Stanza 2 contains all we need to now about that.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
14 Jun 2005, 7:31 AM
Scratch out 'and' in line four. Also change one of them 'smears' into 'blur' or 'smudge'