| Re: Promise Me by Taco |
Bluemonkey 170.141.68.99 |
6-Jul-05/8:19 AM |
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| Re: Our Soldiers by Lenore |
Bluemonkey 170.141.68.99 |
6-Jul-05/8:22 AM |
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Actually, I think this isn't bad. Don't like the last line, but whatever.
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| Re: A Place by Celtic |
Bluemonkey 170.141.68.99 |
6-Jul-05/8:25 AM |
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Not big on Leprechauns and Pixies.
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| Re: Mother Earth by TLRufener |
Bluemonkey 170.141.68.99 |
6-Jul-05/8:26 AM |
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Lose everything but this:
Mother Earth
Has gone to sleep.
Lamenting, the wind
Wails and weeps.
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| Re: Crack baby by Caducus |
Bluemonkey 170.141.68.99 |
6-Jul-05/8:30 AM |
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Ahh, drugs. super. Ever seen a crack baby? ghastly.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Bluemonkey 170.141.68.99 |
6-Jul-05/8:30 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Bluemonkey 170.141.68.99 |
6-Jul-05/8:35 AM |
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mnnnmmnnnhhhnnnnuuuuuuuuugg
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| Re: The And women by INTRANSIT |
Lenore 64.252.101.156 |
6-Jul-05/8:42 AM |
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"plying a fiddle."
Interesting poem.
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| Re: Because to Live I Must by TLRufener |
Lenore 64.252.101.156 |
6-Jul-05/8:49 AM |
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All the words melt together in an unappealing stew of a novice Witchâs brew.
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| Re: Mother Earth by TLRufener |
Lenore 64.252.101.156 |
6-Jul-05/9:03 AM |
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Your poem leaves me with the sense that Mother Earth has no love for winter and that in fact sheâs dead throughout the entire season. Is that what you intended?
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| Re: A Place by Celtic |
Lenore 64.252.101.156 |
6-Jul-05/9:54 AM |
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This poem could be great. I found it too simple. Perhaps if you gave us more a sense of its Magic.
How does this place feel? We know the wind is always calm but how does it look? How does it smell? How is it lit? What time of day are we seeing it, In moonlight, starlight, sunshine?
The descriptions are flat and matter of fact and because of this, the poem loses its Magic.
Iâd love to see this reworked. Paint it more vivid. Take us somewhere enchanted!
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Lenore 64.252.101.156 |
6-Jul-05/10:00 AM |
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Change the title to âDeath Danceâ and change the last word to dip.
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| Re: Crack baby by Caducus |
Lenore 64.252.101.156 |
6-Jul-05/10:04 AM |
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Fix line 2 and this is a 10.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Lenore 64.252.101.156 |
6-Jul-05/10:09 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
cpill 81.179.92.128 |
6-Jul-05/3:07 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
cpill 81.179.92.128 |
6-Jul-05/3:12 PM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
cpill 81.179.92.128 |
6-Jul-05/3:35 PM |
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Wow, this is brilliant! "Ali-Baba-like shouted commands", so spot on and yet form out of the blue. Things like that make me feel meagre and talent less.
Hummm, time to read the other 93 me thinks
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| Re: Our Soldiers by Lenore |
Bankrupt_Word_Clerk 69.231.31.215 |
7-Jul-05/1:56 AM |
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their life's the war's.
their life "is" the War's life? is that what it means?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
zodiac 86.108.11.226 |
7-Jul-05/2:19 AM |
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The poem was decent up to "final splat". If you're going to say life is decent up to the final splat, please spare all of us.
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| Re: Born and Fed by Dovina |
zodiac 86.108.11.226 |
7-Jul-05/2:24 AM |
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"concerns the calf / only for the fun of it," is bumpy. You don't (typically, in any English that's ever existed) concern something for something else in that sense. Unless by concerns you mean 'makes him concerned, worries', and mayhap you do. Anyway, it's kind of like saying "flapping my arms concerns me for feeling like a bird". Do you see what I'm saying?
Otherwise, I enjoyed.
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