Dovina
on Ursa's Tail by bamf909
12 Jul 2005, 9:55 AM
The first three lines are good, then the image seems to break down.
I found that O'Hara poem you recomended. I think I have problems reading some poets because they use so many references and allusions that unless one has spent their entire life reading, there's no possible way to catch up! Very frustrating this is, MMHMM? This particular poem WAS more acessible to me. I still don't know who the lady is. Would it behoove me to chase down all of the allusions? I'm taking a hiatus from writing as I have no direction, no plan to take my poetry anywhere specific. I believe without that, my efforts are useless. This is also why I've taken to not leaving comments. Take care, E-mail me if you wish.
"beauty" in the first line should be Beauty, unless you mean that you are beautiful.
Some lines are not flattering, such as "vision angelic" since angels are often terrible. And seraphim is a Biblical image not complimentary to an earthly woman.
The last verse doesn't say what you mean, I think. What started a spark must have been she, but she doesn't burn brighter, rather your love does.
It's tender feelings to be sure, but lacking clear expression.
WHO knows is a clever line. 6
I am curious- what is the knowledge we are drooling for? Apart from this, The poem reminds me a bit of a scene from charlie and the chocolate factory, i believe its the scene on the boat. lucky for you, i like that movie, so ill give it a 5.
this was long. I stopped reading it twice. Forced myself to finish. I wasn't surprised at the end.
typo> exist not exsist...other than that, I thought I wasn't going to like this, but then it sorta grew on me. I am not sure where the 'poured' and 'prepared' came into the picture, as that seems to be about cooking...but the rest I get, and haven't seen it said like that. original.
Typo> I will never know you name (your)...other than that...I really like this...
The middle got a little loose, but this is cool...I get the thought. Fruitless places, things, people...things stagnant... resignation. I wish this would have been as good as the thought that started it...I would guess you didn't get it on paper as quick as it came to your mind. Gave you a decent score anyway!
I wish I knew...wish you had painted the picture to tell me what in the world you are talking about...read this several times...and have no idea what this is about! The first part made me think this was tongue in cheeck contraindictions, then the 2nd part went along nicely, painting a picture...and then you lost me...while you were taking a pee...what are bollocks? maybe that would help...some..but not entirely.
I gotta add this....What is the definition of trust?
(Two cannibals having oral sex!)
The title sucked me in and this part I wish I'd written :
Here's a naked-necked girl laughing
in a square, thumbnail sawing an orange-skin.
There is more too but I'm out of it.
Once I found out what a triolet is I'll come back.
It seems like an honest, though not very poetically written, sentiment that women should try to understand. We often play with the emotions of men, not realizing how deep they are, and it isn't nice.
The lines about "That stupid, nasty,evil h**" and "now the final scoreâs been set," are disturbing, and I hope you don't really mean them.
you left out the line "I've got shmelgass in my gonectagazoink."
Is this a pop song from the early nineties?
hmmm...made me think...and sounds like lyrics. I am not thoughoughly sure what this is about...well, yeah, I get it, up until the last three lines- seemed to not be part of it, or I didn't get their connection to the entire rest of it. But other than that I like it. Funky rythm I like. It Pops and Snaps like music. Gonna give it a good, generous score.
Ah-ha! Awesome! Very poetic and all that...man...read it again...it is like that...meant to be savored, and mulled over, and...yeah, I like this...Alot! I gotta list this in my favorites! What a tasty morsel! sigh...thank you for sharing!
hmm...did it get my post? I hit submit, and it took me back to vote again...so will give it a 10 again! I hope you get my previous comment!
I love how you said this. I really do like it, but can't give you a high score for content alone, (or it would be a high one!) I am horrible at punctuation usage, but...want my suggestion?!, get someone to help you sort out the punctuation and complete sentences, and capitalization on this! Maybe consider no punctuation , nor capitalization. Or all first words beginning with capitals. The format would work without punctuation. If I ignored the punctuation, it read excellently. You have real potential if you ask me! Thanks for sharing...and for God's sake keep writing!