Re: Farm animals by INTRANSIT	<~> 167.206.181.179	19-Oct-05/6:44 AM
the language here is quite intriguing, rich, and i agree with dovina that it took a while to work out that the sun was a different entity than the rooster, although that should be obvious. my question to you here is, do we only awaken once, or do we only awaken once as one of these things you mention?
Re: Incommunicado blues (fixed, except for Dovina) by zodiac	Dovina 209.247.222.97	19-Oct-05/7:47 AM
Why the funky "late-" and "ly" on different lines? Maybe to stress your need for new vocabulary. Tongue-dance would be a good metaphor, but since you didn't use it, that gives me the right to steal it. Religion will give you a a scaffold of proper nouns, greetings, and expansive gestures, but then the sentence fumbles, as if the word-dance becomes a twisted twist.
Re: The nymph steals the farm-son by <~>	zodiac 217.144.7.195	19-Oct-05/10:32 AM
I love "turn wooden on the lathe of fact", the best image on poemranker in months and the lynchpin, I think, of this poem. In the original you turned wooden, right? I think that would be better. The rest loses me. I don't know what distinction you're making between November and December (or heart and breast), and can't feel the metaphor of ghosts (which are essentially metaphors, no?) And are you lathing things into firewood? How odd.
Re: Loving An Angel by Brego	Tintagiles 142.166.239.85	19-Oct-05/10:20 PM
I was going to rant about the angel, except you kept it as a leitmotiv. That's something.
Re: a skinny man on the dock by ay deee	Tintagiles 142.166.239.85	19-Oct-05/10:26 PM
'Shaolin ninja on pole'... You've gone and impaled yourself, haven't you?
Re: River Valley Rose by TLRufener	Tintagiles 142.166.239.85	19-Oct-05/10:43 PM
Hmm. I actually rather like this. The bit about hte grandfather seems almost irrelevant, it would be fine without (arguably). Not all of the punctuation is necessary.
Re: Forgiveness by flightoffancy	Tintagiles 142.166.239.85	19-Oct-05/10:45 PM
The first line is good. The rest... bwuh.
Re: Air Guitar by Miggy	Tintagiles 142.166.239.85	19-Oct-05/10:49 PM
Tee hee.
regarding some deleted poem...	Tintagiles 142.166.239.85	19-Oct-05/10:52 PM
I must dsagree with Dovina. The 'I' in Stanza 3 makes perfect sense. SAay it aloud. It might benefit from a hyphen, though. Like this: And I -- all I smell is foil and heather.
regarding some deleted poem...	Tintagiles 142.166.239.85	19-Oct-05/10:55 PM
'siraling'... Could you perhaps mean 'spiralling'? Qorked on a couple of times, it could be quite decent. Bear in mind that in hearing the word 'spiralling', every English Major worth his or her salt will think of Yeats.
Re: A Dark Account of History by D. $ Fontera	Tintagiles 142.166.239.85	19-Oct-05/10:58 PM
ShamAn. Please. Hmm. Aside from that, 'tis all right.
Re: Farm animals by INTRANSIT	Tintagiles 142.166.239.85	19-Oct-05/11:03 PM
There's something about 'the sun the other as/rooster crowing' that doesn't quite work. I couldn't pinpoint the proble, but it's there. A comma after 'sun' would simplify it, but perhaps too much.
Re: Marriage by Dovina	Tintagiles 142.166.239.85	19-Oct-05/11:10 PM
Marriage is masculine? Gasp! (wait, well, I suppose it is in French...) Now, does this apply to homosexual marriages? Where the idea is that managing to get married is writing a wrong rather than performing one?
Re: The nymph steals the farm-son by <~>	Tintagiles 142.166.239.85	19-Oct-05/11:12 PM
'Despite November in my heart/and December at my breast'-- nice. I admit I was going to simply congratulate ou on using November as opposed to another month, but the addition of December actually works.
Re: Incommunicado blues (fixed, except for Dovina) by zodiac	Tintagiles 142.166.239.85	19-Oct-05/11:15 PM
Hmm. Not my style, but that doesn't mean I can't notice its quality -- a fact a lot of people forget.
Re: final act by <~>	Tintagiles 142.166.239.85	19-Oct-05/11:16 PM
Ah, ye gods, ye haven't changed. Wonderful. Where have you been, anyway? Methinks I've rather missed you, Tilde.
Re: final act by <~>	zodiac 212.38.134.51	20-Oct-05/2:30 AM
I like everything except the word "criminal". I'm foggy on the details, but isn't self-mutilation/suicide actually illegal? So it really IS criminal, not just metaphorically so. If it's not illegal, it still doesn't seem like the best word. I mean, hari-kari (or hari-kari-type mutilation) isn't the first thing that strikes me when I think of the word "criminal". I'd like to see it keep with the street performance theme with a more mutilation-specific or street-performance-specific word. Catburglar fits with "stealing self" but doesn't fit with suicide. Escape artist, maybe? What about those Indian performers? They do stuff like this. Don't let my rambling detract from the fact that I loved reading this. -10-
Re: a fat man on the dock by ay deee	zodiac 212.38.134.51	20-Oct-05/2:33 AM
Again, a good poem, minus the line that tries to fit in everywhere and never quite succeeds. That line is Jesus, we're mere mortals.
regarding some deleted poem...	Caducus 172.201.235.165	20-Oct-05/4:08 AM
An experiment of grief and alcohol.
Re: Farm animals by INTRANSIT	Niphredil 192.114.44.162	20-Oct-05/6:57 AM
This is a beautiful poem; I love it more each subsequent read. However, I don't really think this is a 'ghazal' by definition, at least by the links on this site. The opening couplet doesn't rhyme (or does it?), and the last lines of each couplet definitely don't rhyme.