little_big_nose
on love shall set you free by stacylynn_3
21 Oct 2005, 5:48 AM
someone needs a hug!!!!!
Why would god make you "brown and bloody, bone exposed", and is there a reason it's only your foot, or does god just hate your foot?
Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children. Your daughter is out there on the streets waiting for you.
Again, the first line (last line in your other poem) seems out of place, though it's a good line. I'd drop the first verse altogether.
nice.
What? No vvvvipvvvvvipvvvvvvvip of corduroy?
*TWIST* there's a match for you.
Thank got for rubenesquenesses. es.
I want lines 5 and 8 - lathe wonderful use of it too.
knowing that Shannon is a she makes it for me. This is lovely. well done, sir!
a couple of suggestions, if i may:
a comma, here:
as he sat pretty, rotting.
transpose the words from:
but he only loved his jailor.
to:
but he loved only his jailor.
a period here, to stop the thought:
heard him sing a winter opus.
and rearrange this:
sent sweet dew on his grave to glisten.
to this, to cross-rhyme it instead of end-rhyming:
sent sweet dew to glisten on his grave.
and the last few lines, i would lose the rhymes, as they are inconsistent with the rest of the poem.
quite the experiment.
Have you ever heard of the question mark? If you're going to be asking questions, it's the only way to go.
I thought from the title this was going to be awful. Then the goth-pop came in and I saw the marble was actually a, you know, shooting marble. Ace. -10-
Wow, sexy. Now I'm all like,
(chugachugachugachugachugachugachugachug
It seems more an experament in husbandry to a cruel wife - grief to be sure, with or without alcohol.
Maybe he really loved her, and maybe I've got it all wrong. But I've seen a man like this, chained to his wife, thinking she's good for him, and doubting in my mind that she's any more than a jailer.
This is a very tender and touching expression for me, yet I realize it might not be what you are saying at all.
It's uncertain whether the legs in the first part are yours or his. It's a sexy romp in any case.
It's uncertain whether the legs in the first part are yours or his. It's a sexy romp in any case.
A nearsighted man will see you clearly if you are close, and fuzzily from a distance. Are you sure that's what you meant? That aside, rather too like one of those women's-keychain jokes like, Have you ever noticed all of women's problems start with 'Men'?
The image of the thorn bird is great, that's why it was used to say exactly the same thing in the famous novel and miniseries The Thorn Birds. I don't see how this poem could lose from changing it to some other bird, except it would lose some whiff of secondhandness.
"phantoms of future turn wooden on the lathe of fact." !!!