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a fat man on the dock (Free verse) by ay deee
on the thread the nut tightens sixteen different ways to balance on one foot i am the black bear lunchbox, munchbox wicker handles and weave ham baloney and mayonaise cheesey curls in a plastic baggie palmed applesauce spoon disappears carrot babies and celery minute health baked not fried potato bits soft serve belly yummy gummy tummy thanks dear packed tack tight lid enriched pickled puddings fourtune cooked pot steaks and jelly cake where does it all go? siting as a duck would i sense a ripple a gradual tingle calories burn slow

Up the ladder: Mother Earth
Down the ladder: My reflection

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Weighted score: 5.0
Overall Rank: 7519
Posted: October 19, 2005 9:56 PM PDT; Last modified: October 19, 2005 9:56 PM PDT
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Comments:
[8] zodiac @ 212.38.134.51 | 20-Oct-05/2:33 AM | Reply
Again, a good poem, minus the line that tries to fit in everywhere and never quite succeeds. That line is Jesus, we're mere mortals.
[n/a] ay deee @ 204.90.50.252 > zodiac | 21-Oct-05/10:16 AM | Reply
i'm not sure of your meaning there, am i overly critical of mortal beings? or is there a specifc line or lines that i abuse?
[8] zodiac @ 217.144.7.195 > ay deee | 21-Oct-05/10:22 AM | Reply
The "the thread the nut tightens" line which Dovina commented on in your last post. I just meant it doesn't fit in but tries desperatle, like Jesus.
[n/a] ay deee @ 204.90.50.252 > zodiac | 25-Oct-05/8:22 AM | Reply
i know it doesn't really "fit," but am prone to doing things like that. desperate like jesus, i like that...
[6] Dovina @ 69.175.32.104 | 21-Oct-05/10:43 AM | Reply
Again, the first line (last line in your other poem) seems out of place, though it's a good line. I'd drop the first verse altogether.
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