poemranker ::a fat man on the dock by ay deee

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Free verse № 132307

a fat man on the dock

Member since 2005 · Posted 19 Oct 2005 · 5 comments

on the thread the nut tightens sixteen different ways to balance on one foot i am the black bear lunchbox, munchbox wicker handles and weave ham baloney and mayonaise cheesey curls in a plastic baggie palmed applesauce spoon disappears carrot babies and celery minute health baked not fried potato bits soft serve belly yummy gummy tummy thanks dear packed tack tight lid enriched pickled puddings fourtune cooked pot steaks and jelly cake where does it all go? siting as a duck would i sense a ripple a gradual tingle calories burn slow

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mean 5.00 weighted 5.00 rank 7557 views 179 View voting details →

7 votes so far. Yours would make 8.7 votes so far

5 comments

[8] zodiac 20-Oct-05/2:33 AM Reply
Again, a good poem, minus the line that tries to fit in everywhere and never quite succeeds. That line is Jesus, we're mere mortals.
[n/a] ay deee › zodiac 21-Oct-05/10:16 AM Reply
i'm not sure of your meaning there, am i overly critical of mortal beings? or is there a specifc line or lines that i abuse?
[8] zodiac › ay deee 21-Oct-05/10:22 AM Reply
The "the thread the nut tightens" line which Dovina commented on in your last post. I just meant it doesn't fit in but tries desperatle, like Jesus.
[n/a] ay deee › zodiac 25-Oct-05/8:22 AM Reply
i know it doesn't really "fit," but am prone to doing things like that. desperate like jesus, i like that...
[6] Dovina 21-Oct-05/10:43 AM Reply
Again, the first line (last line in your other poem) seems out of place, though it's a good line. I'd drop the first verse altogether.