The last verse is a disappointment after that good build-up.

Sensuous, some good lines. "pulls the strings" -> pull. What's that stuff at the bottom?

speak for the spoken silence - maybe leave out spoken. fall to the floor as ash - maybe leave out fall.

Like a bad dream. But the next to last verse suggests God. That's a good verse.

Put "I'm" at the beginning of "sculptured by architects". You've got punctuation problems in the first stanza. Some nice sentiment though.

I means I...as in me the writer...you is the reader, or to whom I wrote this scene...(In either case the one sharing this scene with me.) I tried to create a walking-through scene within this. The use of I/you was to create fantasy, an illusion of it taking place...through guided imagery, if you will. I have shared this with others who have liked it quite well...am suprised bu the response here. Perhaps it is better-liked among those who like to play within fantasy's realm a bit more than most?

This would be good, maybe, except my rule is never use anything you've ever heard or seen before in poem, book, song, or film. I happen to love the Neil Young song. Also, drop either "once" or "last" from the line that has both.

Sounds like a Ween song off the 12 Golden Country Greats album....nice

huh?

Awesome. The best part is you were giggling. I love it.

By a bizarre coincidence, a guy in this internet cafe just asked me what the English word "intimate" means. I'm afraid to ask why he wants to know.

The uncrossable void line doesn't really work

The third stanza is just not very good, but the rest isnt too bad...not real wild about the capitalized words either...I'm guessing you did it because they all have to do with time, but it's actually kind of distracting.

"Usage Note: It is not surprising that blatant and flagrant are often confused, since the words have overlapping meanings. Both attribute conspicuousness and offensiveness to certain acts. Blatant emphasizes the failure to conceal the act. Flagrant, on the other hand, emphasizes the serious wrongdoing inherent in the offense. Certain contexts may admit either word depending on what is meant: a violation of human rights might be either blatant or flagrant. If it was committed with contempt for public scrutiny, it is blatant. If its barbarity was monstrous, it is flagrant. Blatant is sometimes used to mean simply “obvious,” as in the blatant danger of such an approach, but this use has not been established and is widely considered an error."

I suggest you change the title of this poem to "Chills with Bumps". Otherwise, ace.

i like this.

the sounds in these first 5 stanzas are gorgeous!! the last two stanzas don't pack the punch the first 5 do. this is a weak simile: til all they heard from me was silence like a silent willow tree. all in all, you weaken the poem when you resolve it. ood, that.

excellent visuals here.

stalactite or stalagmite, not stalagtite. :-) Good work!

constellation sex..