| Re: solving the world's problems through poetry by skaskowski |
zodiac 217.144.7.195 |
3-Nov-05/3:27 AM |
|
The first two lines are good. The last three too.
|
|
|
 |
| Re: fumes by FreeFormFixation |
zodiac 217.144.7.195 |
3-Nov-05/3:29 AM |
|
A cross between Nirvana's 'Polly' and Beck's 'Fumes'. Not as good as either.
|
|
|
|
| Re: ~PROM MEANS 2 ME~ by T. Jonathron Remp |
zodiac 217.144.7.195 |
3-Nov-05/3:33 AM |
|
In all seriousness, what do you do to get slapped for asking a girl to a dance? My theory: Pull out your wang and just say, 'Huh? Huuhhh?'
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
zodiac 217.144.7.195 |
3-Nov-05/3:34 AM |
|
I maintain that you'd be a very good poet except for not being born two hundred years ago. As it is, you're not writing about anything we know.
|
|
|
|
| Re: ~PROM MEANS 2 ME~ by T. Jonathron Remp |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
3-Nov-05/6:31 AM |
|
Aperrantly youor parants passt allong thiere traddishun
uv mispeling 2 U.
I don't know if your poem represents the prom very well but it's a perfect example of the second part.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Dear George Bush by scitz |
ALChemy 24.74.101.159 |
3-Nov-05/6:49 AM |
|
Millions of people in England will soon be suing you for plagiarism.
I'm guessing the big space in the middle is where you sprinkle the anthrax.
When they take one of those bus bombs and drive it into Westminster Abbey during a royal wedding then you can talk to us about our leaders. Till then worry about old Tony and how soon before one of your slutty popstars pops Prince William's cherry.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
Caducus 172.212.241.153 |
3-Nov-05/7:02 AM |
|
I like your thoughts on how the dead are no longer able to hurt, feel etc. I think the opening 4 lines can be cut so the words following FREED OF resonate more.
The end line is cool but the bracketed words preceding would be more at home as a footnote.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
Caducus 172.212.241.153 |
3-Nov-05/7:08 AM |
|
This was what I was on about on the other comment i posted the meter here are the bones for your words.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
Dental Panic 84.27.6.94 |
3-Nov-05/12:35 PM |
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
Dovina 69.175.32.104 |
3-Nov-05/12:51 PM |
|
It begins with an unfounded declaration, then in "But maybe," adds possibile outcomes based on the opening declaration. To me, it would be much more compelling if support were given first, or at least if the word "if" were added at the opening.
|
|
|
|
| Re: solving the world's problems through poetry by skaskowski |
Dovina 69.175.32.104 |
3-Nov-05/12:57 PM |
|
Funny, and true to the title.
|
|
|
|
| regarding some deleted poem... |
richa 81.178.208.202 |
3-Nov-05/3:34 PM |
|
There are few concrete anchors. Those that there are resemble nothing that your readers can hold on to. A house built on bones, multitudes form clay, melting flesh.
There are inversions here for no apparently good reason e.g. Shall not the body, Shall not I.
The poem on the page is very difficult to follow. It looks a mess. Parentheses, why?
|
|
|
|
| Re: A Joining Of Souls (edit) by Caducus |
Dovina 69.175.32.104 |
3-Nov-05/5:13 PM |
|
Knives remind - verse 2
I'd omit beautiful - last verse
otherwise beautiful
|
|
|
|
| Re: Lunch with the Beast by D. $ Fontera |
Damon Mower 62.252.128.27 |
4-Nov-05/5:06 AM |
|
I like this. I think I know her.
|
|
|
|
| Re: Steak and Satin by Dovina |
INTRANSIT 64.12.116.67 |
4-Nov-05/6:17 AM |
|
In the first and second you need to bring out more of the body part and less of the decoration. Lose "induce" altogether. The rest seems to move nicely.
Now. would you kindly tell me who put the lefsa in my pants?
|
|
|
|
| Re: The Old Boat by Damon Mower |
Dovina 209.247.222.98 |
4-Nov-05/11:14 AM |
|
I like the inhaling estuary. The heron seems parenthetic; do I miss a connection?
|
|
|
|
| Re: The Bed I Made by BrandonW |
Dovina 209.247.222.98 |
4-Nov-05/11:19 AM |
|
Seems the ? should be at the end of Verse 1.
Good as a lyric, but I think a repeating chorus would be good, something like the last verse.
|
|
|
|
| Re: fumes by FreeFormFixation |
Dovina 209.247.222.98 |
4-Nov-05/11:22 AM |
|
The three "my helpless"'s don't work very well.
|
|
|
|
| Re: ~PROM MEANS 2 ME~ by T. Jonathron Remp |
Dovina 209.247.222.98 |
4-Nov-05/11:25 AM |
|
|
|
| Re: Lunch with the Beast by D. $ Fontera |
Dovina 209.247.222.94 |
4-Nov-05/4:31 PM |
|
Hey, I'm waiting for him to knock on the door, a date tonight. This is just the frame of mind setter I need. Thanks.
|
|
|
|
