Blindpoetry
on Returning Home by Niphredil
18 Dec 2005, 8:30 AM
might want to take an adjective or and adverd out of second stanza, line 4 - just so there isn't one line poking out like a sword, or a knife. or some other objects.
i enjoyed it
A carol for the masses eh?
This smacks of Poe, beautifully done, time well spent.
May she rest in peace.
It didn't seem to smooth out until about a third of the way through, maybe it's just me.
A fine dream, but not within our nature I fear.
At least there's that.
No kidding. Peace on earth among people of all races.
Merry Holidays!
Happy 2006!
I like to think this is all true. I don't know why, but I want to think that at least one poemranker writes herself as she really is. Please tell me it's true. This is a great life you have. Please keep writing about it just as it is. And agaain, please thell me it's true.
And please ignore zodiac when he tells you, as he surely will, that I'm saying this because my life is dull.
A -10- for inventing your adverbs.
I have difficulty writing love poems--they often turn out as so much syrup--so my hats off to anyone who can do it well, as you have done here. My only question concerns line 6. Should it read "though i wish..." Or am I mistaken?
I like this, especially the last line.
Not as structured as some of your other work. I was a little put off by the indiscriminate use of rhyme and non-rhyme.
Unless your son's name is Danny Boy don't say things like "milk's a boiling" just say "milk is boiling".
"They hug and kiss, for she did miss" Add a "so" either before or after "did" or even better lose "did" and just write it as "so missed". I mean do you really talk in real life like you did in those 2 lines I singled out?
With that said, the rest of this is really good and I actually like that you put rhymes where it felt natural and didn't force them into places they didn't need to go. Now my challenge to you is to find out what exactly the elements were that made this poem effective and what things worked against it.
Good, now say it in a way you've never heard or read.
Use images and scenes unique in your own personal life as metaphors. How does baby Jesus compare to your own children? Ask yourself what if I loved Jesus in the same way I love my children? How would that change the way I approach my faith? Would it make me a better Christian or a worse one? What if, while nailed to the cross as he said "Father, why have you forsaken me?", what if he was not looking to the skies but instead he was looking us straight in the eyes?
Now write.
There is still room for improvement, as with everything.
I often feel the same way, but not so eloquently.
Wow!! Well done.
How do you have time to see the sunrise between waking your children? I see that you draw inspiration from your life, I'm glad to see that your life is inspirational.