| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
I love to see the sunrise (Free verse) by amanda_dcosta I love to see the sunrise
And the dawn of each new day.
For, there's surprises all around
And things to do and say.
Yesterday's gone, I lived it through
With joy and work and mistakes too.
And when a new day thus begins
I see the steps my life's taken.
I look at all that i have done,
The pain I've given anyone,
And then begin my mending plan
Through remorse and a helping hand.
I love to see the sunrise
And the dawn of each new day.
There's hope and love and a beautiful start
To all the dreams within my heart.
Up the ladder:
The ABC's Of Adultery
Down the ladder:
Temptation Stings, Midday Nashville
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.428571
Posted: December 15, 2005 5:42 PM PST; Last modified: December 15, 2005 5:42 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.384202 Overall Rank: 3242 Comments:
[n/a]
amanda_dcosta @ 203.145.159.44
|
15-Dec-05/5:43 PM
|
Reply
In this poem, the theme is simple, and so is the presentation. What i have been trying to keep in mind, though, is the concept of enjambment...... Correct me if i've got it wrong.
I see the steps my life's taken.< seems alittle awkward in the rythm.
Through remorse and a helping hand.<One less syllable would help. I would shorten the second to last line. Just my thoughts.
thankyou. i'll try and see what i can do to edit it. good review.
:>
A nice, light poem with good rhythm. But again I must take exception to lines that add nothing new or do not say what you mean.
These, at least: "And things to do and say." "Through remorse and a helping hand." I doubt if you mean "remorse".
The 2nd line of the second stanza and the 4th line of the third read a little awkwardly. It's simple and you could probably beef it up with a little imagery.
Your thoughts are good, but the thing about poetry is that youu need to find an interesting new way to say it. For example, in the first stanza, instead of just tellign us you love the sunrise because each day is exciting and new, tell us why...
Dovina , wilco.....hmmmm, yep, i agree that 'remorse and helping hand' is a bit dry.
And for the opening phrase, the reason is found in lines 3,4 of verse 1. or is that also vague?
How do you have time to see the sunrise between waking your children? I see that you draw inspiration from your life, I'm glad to see that your life is inspirational.
i rise before my children, and take time to pray for about ten minutes or so. that's enough to see the sunrise and feel the new day dawn in. it also gives me time to think about what i want to do today. i am a very restless person when i don't do anything, and so i plan out a lot of activities, like drawing and painting, big blow up pictures for my kids, teach my daughter to colour, especially within alphabet outlines. this way she learns the alphabets unconsciously while learning to color too. there are lots of things that one could try. You'll never know you can do it until you try it out. Each one can find inspiration in themselves.......look deep within.
265 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
