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to move foward (Free verse) by ay deee stories of quiet streets
boulevard running rubbish mountain
shiny shoppy signs soon
a spangle of marketable apartments
move back this mortar mortuary
the townhouse grows tidy next to a
cement cemetary
tonight
your local slumlord sets gently his suede slippers
eagerly awaits sugary sweets
the st. nicholas signal
but alas
the mellow december morning
brings a hammer too small
and a lump of iron pyrite
Up the ladder:
Polar Bearings
Down the ladder:
Prepropositioned pudding
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.571429
Posted: December 14, 2005 11:21 AM PST; Last modified: December 14, 2005 11:21 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.153681 Overall Rank: 5204 Comments:
At least there's that.
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s2 -- more fun
s3 -- simple, straightforward, but fitting
s4 -- too straightforward in seeming, to me, even though I'm completely not getting line 4; flow seems off, as well, somehow.
s5 -- also not quite fun enough (maybe if you cut 'but alas'). Hmm.