INTRANSIT
on The Forgetting by Dovina
5 Jan 2006, 7:20 AM
Congrats on Divorcing Tennessee! Sorry I still don't know what to think of this one.
Man thats quite powerful. The image of the tramp is so noir, a site we don't stop to see. Well done, Howard.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
5 Jan 2006, 7:27 AM
Wow. I really like this poem, I can relate to much of it. It's definately the best i've read on this site so far.
You ever see that scene in Happy Gilmore where Sandler rhymes?
I know they do it alot in Rap but don't over rhyme unless you have a really, really, really, really, really, good reason.
Could have many different meanings. I kind of wish it was a little bit more specific as it sounds pretty personal. End it sad or happy or hopeful. Which ever way you like. It still sounds good.
Hah! Once again it seems we posted poems on simular subjects. See, God does speak to us. And by God I mean TV.
Witty stuff.
Fuck witty. Though it's all I have at the moment. I'll take quality (like yours) over witty any day of the week.
I think l-3 could lose the (the) and be A-OK. fackit. 10
Lol, what exactly is your point.
sadly, a very common scene of today's world. the obscure references (so wonderfully deciphered by ALChemy) were a bit hard to follow. the mention of king george flipped me back in time and i was lost about the meaning of neon reapers.
well done, very cerebral portrayal of events.
Yes, Americans are slowly becoming more like Eskimos in their treatment of old people.
Except for expressive language and one rhyme it doesn't really sound that much like a prose poem. Usually prose poems will have more poetic elements, I counted 2 similies and one small metaphor. Don't be afraid to jazz it up a little more.
damn, that smarts.
very excellent.
David Shenk, who is comfortably under fifty, makes the case in "The Forgetting" that a cure for senile dementia might not be an unmitigated blessing. He notes, for example, that one striking peculiarity of the disease is that its sufferers often suffer less and less as it progresses. Caring for an Alzheimer's patient is gruellingly repetitious precisely because the patient himself has lost the cerebral equipment to experience anything as a repetition. Shenk quotes patients who speak of "something delicious in oblivion" and who report an enhancement of their sensory pleasures as they come to dwell in an eternal, pastless Now. If your short-term memory is shot, you don't remember, as you stoop to smell a rose, that you've been stooping to smell the same rose all morning.
http://www.newyorker.com/printables/fact
I'd like to try a different approach.
The problem is not your poetry; it's that you're not very good-looking.
Al,
Very nice. I love the way you flip traditional perception in the first line. It sets the tone for the balance of the poem which creatively describes the dawning of day while playfully personifying the relationship between moon and sun...at least that's the way I read it. Joe
a favorite now. thanks.
very sweet, innocent, and lovely. a touch of melancholy, but a nice reminder of what is really important.
I'm not from the south so I couldn't relate. But just through your description it's as if I was there and I knew all about it.
I think you have a good idea for what a prose poem should be. I think this one just needs more ambience.
Use "fuck" more sparingly so you don't just come off as a potty-mouth. Never again use "Master plan" in poetry unless your writing a satire on Rap music.
What I like is the irony of a rant written in controled stanzas. It shows you have the discipline to write good stuff.
A lovely, fanciful expression. I think "emerald dress that stretches to the horizonâs hem" would sound better and become grammatical as "emerald dress stretches to horizonâs hem"