Dovina
on The Deep End by drnick
18 Jan 2006, 11:11 AM
I love following someone whom I trust into danger. For better or worse, til death . . .etc. You've caught this well. Leave out "in" in Line 1.
I think you should tell us what kind of pain you are talking about.
Yes I feel this, and agree she's a discredit to the gender. Nice.
The repeats add little, I think. The idea is good, but needs refinement.
"Vicar rejoicing from the sound of his voice" is great, but "in" seems better. "Choking hypocrit" is telling us what has already been better shown.
How about "statuary" instead of "stationary" to give an added meaning?
The Hierophant is the Key that corresponds to the High Priestess, right--symbol of social conformity, rules and ritual, all of that? I'm not seeing the connection here. "Reticent to the sparks" doesn't really work in terms of grammar/meaning. Whilst is an archaism. (Just pointing out some things to think about.) Not sure what this is about--you've got some fresh images but it doesn't hang together (for me, anyway) just yet.
Some really excellent lines and details. Toss the road cliches (well travelled, less travelled). Some awkward language ("Slit throat eyed and green gloved
hit me like Mussolini on rope"--not sure what that means; think you mean slit-throat eyes, but even that is an awkward phrasing, maybe rework it?) Look at your verbs too and see if they're strong enough. Also, finally, think this might be stronger if you dumped the last stanza.
Don't get me wrong--I think it's really good and even more promising!
While I really like the details, the "list" that begins it, strong images notwithstanding, seems to weaken it overall. "The slow procession exit gets faster from the grave" might even be a good place to start it (in media res) and then flashback somehow to incorporate those earlier images? Not saying that's the way to go, necessarily, but play with the sequence--doesn't necessarily have to be linear, and may be better if it's not. I really like the pyre ending with a personal touch (the table).
This is great, lots to like (including the fact that it's funny). The rush of words gives it a beatnicky groove, but I think it'd be stronger for some considered punctuation/lines breaks/whatnot. The ending line falls a little flat.
You have put such minimal thought into this poem, and such minimal effort into making it a poem.
Some very good lines in here, although a lot of the verses seem to be built around this lines, condensing it could improve the experience for people like me.
The statement is too true, but the poem is crap.
I don't like this kind of poem, but must admit you've done it well.
Good story, put the presentation needs work.
The concluding lines don't make sense.
Sweet bearded Jesus! I've shat myself laughing. The finest of that fine AIDs tradition.
Reminds me of the film Labyrinth at the end with the staircases
The double line spaces add massively to the piece, drumming up suspence ... an enjoyable piece. The trussels line is a bit odd though, Im not even sure what they are, but they dont seem to quite blend in with this dark romancing poem.