Re: Is Dying Ugly? by D. $ Fontera	cyan9 217.40.63.105	18-Jan-06/9:34 AM
You have put such minimal thought into this poem, and such minimal effort into making it a poem.
Re: Three Skinheads by Caducus	cyan9 217.40.63.105	18-Jan-06/9:36 AM
Some very good lines in here, although a lot of the verses seem to be built around this lines, condensing it could improve the experience for people like me.
Re: Read this by Southern_Bell	cyan9 217.40.63.105	18-Jan-06/9:37 AM
The statement is too true, but the poem is crap.
Re: The Deep End by drnick	Dovina 17.255.240.138	18-Jan-06/11:11 AM
I love following someone whom I trust into danger. For better or worse, til death . . .etc. You've caught this well. Leave out "in" in Line 1.
Re: Pain, I Curse Thee by woodstock20000	Dovina 17.255.240.138	18-Jan-06/11:13 AM
I think you should tell us what kind of pain you are talking about.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 17.255.240.138	18-Jan-06/11:16 AM
Yes I feel this, and agree she's a discredit to the gender. Nice.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 17.255.240.138	18-Jan-06/11:18 AM
I don't like this kind of poem, but must admit you've done it well.
Re: A comedian at nearly midnight by MacFrantic	Dovina 17.255.240.138	18-Jan-06/11:20 AM
Good story, put the presentation needs work.
Re: Is Dying Ugly? by D. $ Fontera	Dovina 17.255.240.138	18-Jan-06/11:22 AM
The concluding lines don't make sense.
Re: A flightless deer by Enkidu	Dovina 17.255.240.138	18-Jan-06/11:27 AM
The repeats add little, I think. The idea is good, but needs refinement.
Re: The funeral and the table by Caducus	Dovina 17.255.240.138	18-Jan-06/11:33 AM
"Vicar rejoicing from the sound of his voice" is great, but "in" seems better. "Choking hypocrit" is telling us what has already been better shown.
Re: Heirophant by cyan9	Dovina 17.255.240.138	18-Jan-06/11:36 AM
How about "statuary" instead of "stationary" to give an added meaning?
Re: Heirophant by cyan9	ecargo 63.22.20.248	18-Jan-06/11:57 AM
The Hierophant is the Key that corresponds to the High Priestess, right--symbol of social conformity, rules and ritual, all of that? I'm not seeing the connection here. "Reticent to the sparks" doesn't really work in terms of grammar/meaning. Whilst is an archaism. (Just pointing out some things to think about.) Not sure what this is about--you've got some fresh images but it doesn't hang together (for me, anyway) just yet.
Re: Three Skinheads by Caducus	ecargo 63.22.20.248	18-Jan-06/12:02 PM
Some really excellent lines and details. Toss the road cliches (well travelled, less travelled). Some awkward language ("Slit throat eyed and green gloved hit me like Mussolini on rope"--not sure what that means; think you mean slit-throat eyes, but even that is an awkward phrasing, maybe rework it?) Look at your verbs too and see if they're strong enough. Also, finally, think this might be stronger if you dumped the last stanza. Don't get me wrong--I think it's really good and even more promising!
Re: The funeral and the table by Caducus	ecargo 63.22.20.248	18-Jan-06/12:06 PM
While I really like the details, the "list" that begins it, strong images notwithstanding, seems to weaken it overall. "The slow procession exit gets faster from the grave" might even be a good place to start it (in media res) and then flashback somehow to incorporate those earlier images? Not saying that's the way to go, necessarily, but play with the sequence--doesn't necessarily have to be linear, and may be better if it's not. I really like the pyre ending with a personal touch (the table).
regarding some deleted poem...	ecargo 63.22.20.248	18-Jan-06/12:10 PM
This is great, lots to like (including the fact that it's funny). The rush of words gives it a beatnicky groove, but I think it'd be stronger for some considered punctuation/lines breaks/whatnot. The ending line falls a little flat.
Re: Racism 4 by Dovina	ecargo 63.22.20.248	18-Jan-06/12:15 PM
Tons of cliches, some lines make no sense ("sad if for well-being"?), unnecessary and incongruous archaism ("twas"), weak verbs, nothing really original or interesting.
Re: Beard my Homemade Negro Jesus (Improved! With AIDS!) by Everyone	ecargo 63.22.20.248	18-Jan-06/12:55 PM
Sweet bearded Jesus! I've shat myself laughing. The finest of that fine AIDs tradition.
Re: four walls by crwncka1	cyan9 217.40.63.105	19-Jan-06/1:34 AM
Reminds me of the film Labyrinth at the end with the staircases
Re: The Frey by Southern_Bell	cyan9 217.40.63.105	19-Jan-06/1:37 AM
The double line spaces add massively to the piece, drumming up suspence ... an enjoyable piece. The trussels line is a bit odd though, Im not even sure what they are, but they dont seem to quite blend in with this dark romancing poem.