Re: Relief (Ventilation Shaft rewrite) by cyan9	cyan9 217.40.63.105	19-Jan-06/1:41 AM
Origional Glaring at the glowing drops of steel As they dripped from the scarred anvil Like beads of tempered rain running Into crevice and crack like red lightning Forks streaking cross charcoal sky From whence rain came as cool ash Damping breathing, calming the very soul. Striking out with intention of murder Whipping up more anger to draw the victim, The strangler who sketched with chalk finger The outlines of bodies and dark little stories Venting to peace and evenings drinking Red wine with soft cheese following Extended visits to the patisserie. Darkness undressed her all scarred and withered, Weaving its storm clouds and pronouncing out loud “All should kneel then be proud” to yield to adversity, Any little difficulty could go unsolved so easily Until the day he turned away from all that hate, Turned around and remedied his complaints, his disdain.
regarding some deleted poem...	cyan9 217.40.63.105	19-Jan-06/2:12 AM
Absolutely suberb view of the situation, and a very clear description. The source for improvment I can think of is for you to read the lyrics to Marilyn Manson's 'Tourniquet', in that a situation that reminds me of this, is described, and it contains some very good detailed and dark lyrics, that may give you some ideas. This is one of yours that appeals to me the most, and thankfully there is room for improvement.
Re: The Frey by Southern_Bell	zodiac 209.193.14.236	19-Jan-06/8:11 AM
Frey is a disgraced memoirist. You mean fray.
Re: a week off by hendrimike	Dovina 69.175.32.104	19-Jan-06/9:49 AM
"footprints left for years to come" enigmatically true.
Re: What is it about brothers? by Tara57	Dovina 69.175.32.104	19-Jan-06/9:51 AM
Overwritten. Try staying a little closer to reality.
Re: a week off by hendrimike	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	19-Jan-06/12:12 PM
I bet the original version of this poem was even centered on the page.
Re: Three Skinheads by Caducus	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	19-Jan-06/12:23 PM
It doesn't make much sense but it's disturbing nonetheless. Needs some kind of continuity.
Re: The funeral and the table by Caducus	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	19-Jan-06/12:31 PM
Loose the multiple rhymes in stanza 2. It doesn't fit the mood of the poem at all. Did you mean "No(w) he looks down on you"? The rest is great.
Re: A flightless deer by Enkidu	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	19-Jan-06/12:36 PM
Maybe the deer wasn't flying because it wasn't Christmas yet. You might want to use an animal that hasn't been associated with flying.(hint: Don't use pigs either)
Re: Spinning, reeling by ecargo	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	19-Jan-06/12:57 PM
More of a punchline than a gut-punch ending. Pretty decent political rant though. Here's what I mean by gut-punch: "We got around to the subject of war again and I said that, contrary to his attitude, I did not think that the common people are very thankful for leaders who bring them war and destruction. "Why, of course, the people don't want war," Goering shrugged. "Why would some poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the best that he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one piece. Naturally, the common people don't want war; neither in Russia nor in England nor in America, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy or a fascist dictatorship or a Parliament or a Communist dictatorship." "There is one difference," I pointed out. "In a democracy the people have some say in the matter through their elected representatives, and in the United States only Congress can declare wars." "Oh, that is all well and good, but, voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same way in any country." " -- From Gustave Gilbert's Nuremberg Diary interviewing Nazi war criminal Herman Goering from his cell during the Nuremberg trials.
Re: Is Dying Ugly? by D. $ Fontera	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	19-Jan-06/1:07 PM
"Dying is easy. Comedy is hard." --The last dying words of Sir Donald Wolfit after one of his young actors said to him: "Sir Donald, after a life so filled with success and fame, dying must be hard"
Re: A comedian at nearly midnight by MacFrantic	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	19-Jan-06/1:11 PM
"Laughter swells into our smiles" is a throw away line, so throw it away. "Fuck Shoes" would have been a great title.
regarding some deleted poem...	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	19-Jan-06/1:17 PM
This poems is lost in a limbo between lyric and prose. Pick one (I suggest lyric) and edit and you'll really have something.
regarding some deleted poem...	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	19-Jan-06/1:32 PM
Well written. Nothing about it is likely to stick with me I'm afraid.
Re: Pain, I Curse Thee by woodstock20000	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	19-Jan-06/1:41 PM
I haven't heard a more redundant cry of anguish since, "Damn, you all, to hell!" or one of my favorites, "KAAAAHN!".
Re: Spinning, reeling by ecargo	Dovina 69.175.32.104	19-Jan-06/1:43 PM
Rant on. This war is getting tedious and almost ridiculous even for we who supported it in the beginning.
regarding some deleted poem...	richa 81.178.206.194	19-Jan-06/1:52 PM
This is my favourite of your recent poems. The imagery is natural and therefore ancient but having the narrator talk to a someone gives it a voice. I think that is what it is.
Re: Racism 4 by Dovina	richa 81.178.206.194	19-Jan-06/1:53 PM
Racism is a theme not a poem title. Yeah I'm really deep. :(
Re: Where the Hell Did I Put My Glasses? by Joe-joe	richa 81.178.206.194	19-Jan-06/1:56 PM
A bit pedestrian. The language needs to be punchier, interesting.
Re: Racism 4 by Dovina	zodiac 209.193.14.236	19-Jan-06/2:12 PM
For bad grammar and generally taking silly things for granted - 5, sadly.