regarding some deleted poem...	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	2-Feb-06/9:14 AM
Good theme.... but I think I would prefer it shrunk a bit. There's too much repetition of words or phrases. Looks like you stretched it a bit just to portray matter. All the same... there's some good stuff here, esp. if you edit it a bit.
Re: Les Imagistes by Nicholas Jones	LilMsLadyPoet 207.69.139.135	2-Feb-06/9:24 AM
maybe : punctuation would make first stanza more clear?> We would call this peaceful, and it IS quiet, compared to the noise of the urban morning and the tapping of the office workers. (never mind...it doesn't work...unless you went on to say something about the false perception of feeling peaceful.(But I am in no way at peace.) at and 2nd stanza, it would need "so it isn't exactly quiet, either. at the end, to explain your 'but still'. Do you think, or do I see? You are saying you think, so drop the 'you see' in 3rd stanza. a poetics like a duck...> ? poet's, poetic's (A 'poet is' like...?)
regarding some deleted poem...	LilMsLadyPoet 207.69.139.135	2-Feb-06/9:32 AM
Dominant minds Clash and smash against the will of Self; The gift of small concessions Even more sublime.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-Feb-06/9:37 AM
Okay, constructive criticism. I've run this gauntlet and ended up going away for a long time until I could write anything worth looking at. I'm sure people remember. Anyway. The subject matter is probably the most over-used cliche in the history of literature; that is not in itself reason not to write about it, but if you do, write something interesting, something new, something that people will want to read again. Use metaphor, simile, find unusual and thought-provoking descriptions. Don't just write about feelings...they are important but they will inevitably be summed up as 'angst' in something like this. It will seem as though you're getting more distant in your writing but it will make it more accessible for people reading (and as you're posting on a public website you obviously want people to read - give and take here). It will also help you develop your own style of writing - this could have been written by just about anyone after a breakup. People don't want to read about 'just anyone', they want to find out who you are, they want your writing to become you. Next, pronouns. 12 uses of 'I', 9 uses of 'she' in 22 lines. And guess what? I still don't have a clue who you are, nor who she is. Pronouns should be kept to a minimum otherwise it becomes whiny and self-centred. Concentrate more on telling me something new. I know it's about you and her, now tell me more about the both of you. Also, don't switch from saying 'she' to addressing her as 'you'. Still with me? Right, from here focus on grammar and punctuation. It doesn't have to be perfect but it does have to exist. Please please please capitalise 'I'. Please. Decent grammar and appropriate punctuation makes a poem infinitely more readable. So in summary: your poem is not subtle and has very few poetic devices. It is angsty and cliched. But it is what you will use to learn from. If you want to write poetry that makes people applaud, listen to what they say and learn from your mistakes. General points now. Ignore the voting system. Just don't look at it. Look at what people say to you. I'm not a particularly good poet, but I try to comment and (if necessary) make suggestions. If people give you advice it's not because they want to dig you a hole and throw you in it, it's because they've read something you've written and seen areas they would change. Certainly it's all opinion, but many of the users on this site write stunning poetry which could easily take them places if they so desired. If you honestly hate the sort of poetry which others love, that is fine...but don't expect them to rave over yours if it's something they blatently won't like. Okay, sermon over. I hope I don't sound pretentious because I know my limitations; when it gets to the point where you are looking for technical advice my help will be of little use. Almost everything I've learned in poetic writing has come from god'swife, <~>, Caducus, INRANSIT and others. Keep working at it but in my opinion you should leave this piece. Start something new when you've got fresh inspiration and try to be inventive. Crikey, that was a marathon effort for me... Peace.
Re: inadequate by skaskowski	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-Feb-06/9:57 AM
Well it's not bad, but there's not much more I can say.
Re: self-righteousness by calliope	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-Feb-06/10:02 AM
I think I get it.
Re: Unhappy Marriages by Caducus	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-Feb-06/10:07 AM
Cynicism is certainly your speciality. I don't get as much from this one as from most of your poems...there's some good lines like 'sleep as squandered pearls', but it's lacking a certain punch at the moment. I don't know...maybe I'm talking rubbish.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-Feb-06/1:26 PM
Curious, I was listening to a song called 'Arriving Somewhere But Not Here' earlier (by Porcupine Tree). Ever heard of them? They rock my world.
Re: Owain Glyndwr by Nicholas Jones	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-Feb-06/1:30 PM
You realise if you wanted you could go to Owain Glyndwr in Cardiff; Friday night's rock and metal night. By Burger King, just opposite the castle. Oh, and great poem!
Re: Untouchable by rahson_s	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-Feb-06/1:37 PM
Presumably not an advisable situation to be in.
Re: Unhappy Marriages by Caducus	Dovina 67.72.98.87	2-Feb-06/1:57 PM
"Free spirits caged on a pedestal" - great line. "masques" I think you mean "with twice sung hymns" grammar Married to God implies a num, but the preceeding seem like a human marriage. the title seem too descriptive, too blunt.
Re: inadequate by skaskowski	Dovina 67.72.98.87	2-Feb-06/2:00 PM
Good up to the last line, which kills it.
Re: Nomads by amanda_dcosta	Dovina 67.72.98.87	2-Feb-06/2:05 PM
You will always get quibbles about 5-7-5 in a haiku here on poemranker unless you toe the line. Other are not so picky. I see the birds as not really wandering, as you understand them, giving more than average credit to birds. Thats good.
Re: Nomads by amanda_dcosta	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	2-Feb-06/3:21 PM
I'd like to see you get the standard Haiku down right first before you mess too much with other forms. You're getting much closer.
Re: Even the elephants by ecargo	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	2-Feb-06/3:33 PM
Such a good concept. It needs more details. Paint us a vivid scene and then reveal their doom at the end and it will probably pack a bigger punch.
regarding some deleted poem...	thepinkbunnyofdoom 216.196.149.35	2-Feb-06/4:10 PM
After some rewrites and revisions, I think this would be really good.
Re: By Request by thepinkbunnyofdoom	LilMsLadyPoet 207.69.139.134	2-Feb-06/7:26 PM
Someone who does puncuation will probably count all those commas, and suggest a period here or there, instead...but, I'd be fine, and this would work without any punctuation at all...as the format guides italong just fine! (and thanks!)
Re: A Walk in the Park by Dovina	LilMsLadyPoet 207.69.139.134	2-Feb-06/7:30 PM
aww...I like this! It suprised me with where it went! The first two stanza are so strong...could stand alone and on there own just fine, IMO.
Re: Tonight (edit) by drnick	LilMsLadyPoet 207.69.139.134	2-Feb-06/7:36 PM
I'm not sure what "I want to push you away with intent to invite" means...? that by pushing away, you know it will invite? other than that...this is cool...I like that you leave things half said...and it is not hard to deduct the rest of what is not being said. Very good.
Re: A Loud Room by MacFrantic	LilMsLadyPoet 207.69.139.134	2-Feb-06/7:42 PM
My fav: "I crumble; dissipate in an overwhelming. There is sound and there is silence, and I dare not speak to disturb them both." Awesome, awesome, awesome!...BTW, is that correct spelling of dissipate...it looks wrong...?...LOL My least favorite:My view from near is dots Anyway, I liked this.