Do you need both "painfully" and "painstakingly"? I think the play on "pain" in the latter word might be more effective if you left it to the reader. More subtle anyway. I like the way you use the colors to mirror the state of the relationship--vivid, then faded (assuming I'm reading this right).

Nicely worded. But can a yearling leap so high - I mean, a stone wall. I need insight.

The cheap comment would be to say that I wonder if you were you thinking when you wrote this poem. The pretentious comment would be wonder whether the notion of something 'actually' right implies a belief in an objective and unchanging moral system and so the piece is effectively a piece of neo-Kantian thought and so an attack on the relativism of post-structuralist discourse. The kind comment would be to say that it is an interesting idea but really requires further work. The honest would be that this isn't a bad poem as such, it's just rather simplisitc, doesn't really seem to do anything, and leaves me cold. Take your pick.

What a Blast! (Sorry, that's a dreadful joke). From comment to poem, you truly span the genres. I'm not sure if Vorticism is technically an offshoot of imagism (wasn't it linked more to the Italian Futurists?) but I'd have to go away and read some books to find out.

Good up unto the final lines, which regrettably gives in to cliche. And what is a yearling? I'm guessing some kind of a deer about to be shot?

I wrote one like this ages ago but I left it at home. I might see if I can find it sometime. It's a bit blatent, I thought you were going to give it a beautiful description while making me feel sick to the stomach, but all I got was a vague feeling of irony...for what it's worth, I'd prefer to see you give a more contrasting picture. Make me like the 'mask' while being utterly repulsed by it. Does that sound right?

Wonderful, stanza 2 in particular.

My suggestion is don't put anything in a poem if you've already heard it before. That pretty much covers all poems about "Time".

I like that you want to speak about this, and applaud your effort to do so...that being said...the first four lines made me think you were going to go someplace interesting with this piece...but then it got messy and didn't say anything else new or well-said. I'd say goback to the drawingtable with the first four lines in front of you...and go from there, again.

The first stanza could stand alone...and stand solid, at that! It wasn't as well, pulled together, to me, after that. Very nice, all-in-all, though! It seems you just stopped, rather than ended this. "And a blouse that cuts Deep veins below your shoulders"....?

Catchy Title!

a wondrous sight < is the only thing I, personally would change. Sweet, without being candy-coated. Good job!

Probably a yearling deer. They can leap as if flying. Maybe "flew" in the last line.

misspellings, cliche in the last line. Do yoy mean "if only I" in the redundent first line?

Awesome here: "Such an accidental magic to be an intimate of air, a certain hollowness of bone, wings curved like light-- each flight a prayer." I wouldn't have used the --'s I'd tweak>'like this winter sky,' and at 'Bleed red as spring', as something in there is messing with the flow alittle. I know you posted a while back, but I am tying to catch up on my reading...that said, some of what I am saying may have been already said...but I post without reading or seeing votes, that way you get my gut reaction and thoughts. I like this and would like to vote on a revised piece...it's worth a second look!

Quite nice.... no, very nice. Probably I like it cause its feminine. Well written, and the ending strikes out well.

I'd prefer not having the lines too long. To me, it takes away the effect of what you want to say. You have good matter, and a good theme, good adjectives to describe - (eg. mystic traveller,), but it needs a bit more editing. I can't pinpoint my finger on 'how'. zodiac and alchemy are good at that. could ask them. But on the whole it's good stuff.

Nice. I especially like "as a lily wins a bee."

I was with you on this up to "painstakingly drawn." Then I thought you drew the mask with makup. Now I think you used a literal meaning of painstakingly, not the usual meaning. After that I was back on track. The yellow and green bothered me too. Well done.

Ha--not such a bad joke. You didn't, er, Pound it into the ground. (Now that's a bad joke!) You're right re: Vorticism so far as the visual arts aspect of the movement had its origins in Cubism and related very strongly with the ultramodern, machine-age-obsessed Futurist movement in terms of technique and philosophy. Many of the poets who embraced Vorticism came to it after becoming disillusioned with Imagism--but they brought the key tenets of Imagism with them: clarity and utility of language, a concrete focus, plain English, etc. Glad you enjoyed my (and GW's) little joke. ;-)