Edna Sweetlove
on The Angry Bush by wilco
23 May 2006, 10:32 AM
Not very subtle but the message is OK.
Been watching Disney's Fantasia huh?
Any ideas for a fitting title?!
The last stanza reminds me of the closing animation of every Flintstone episode.
Poetry that critiques itself, how convenient. Now if only you could teach it to vote.
Where lava touches the sea.
Passable. Dubious use of apostrophes.
Pretentious and ungrammatical. An interesting combination, but not a very attractive one.
I could only get as far as the first few lines. When I read words like "choken" I give up. Also I am sad your donkeys are broken.
Very cool...haven't been in to read or post for a while...was refreshing to find this! I would have changed 'is' to was,perhaps...?
("What could have been said is
Blanketed by cowardice.)
Excellent!
Um, sorry, but this ain't a limerick. At least, the first stanza isn't. Alhough the rhyming scheme matches (aabba), limericks have very well-defined meter (three stressed syllables in lines 1,2,5 and two in lines 3,4) and this doesn't really fit the bill. Because of the differences in meter (and language, too, come to think of it), the second stanza appears quite unrelated to the first.
Having said that, it's a funny, amusing piece of work... I especially liked the first stanza.
Vikin' aye man!
The end fell flat, and rang hollow and disconnected...which is good, in this case! I notice you are an impartial observer all the way until the last line, then you pronounce some sort of judgment on it all. I am not sure of what your judgment is. Does his death change nothing, are you speaking to nothing changes in America because America continues to put people on death row and use capital punishment, or are you saying capital punishment changes nothing and killing goes on as usual? Or that his life and death is nothing because he is nothing? Or that his death changed nothing in the lives of those affected by his murders?
I hate having to title things! But that said, I think it needs a better title.
I don't mind it the way it is, as it leaves one to question what it is about, and to re=read to try to figure those questions out...which is never fully answered, for the reader.
I wouldn't mind it being more clear, in showing your judgment either, though.
I'm lost...I couldn't wrap my brain around where you were going with this! There were some good lines, and imagery, though.
Passable. Dubious use of apostrophes.
Obscure.
This poem is excellent but for one fact. The dead will have, on occasion, a bowel movement after bacteria and gas have their way with food left in stomach and intestines. So, one may shit and not be. Sorry.
A good oblique description of what I've struggled to describe. Need a comma after "your lips brush" or some such grammetical fix. I'm not thrilled with "Sheer will of spirit" It sounds almost like faking it, which is not what you mean.