I think it would be better not to start with "there are," and to rearrange the sentence for a stronger beginning. "Cellophane smoke" is descriptive, but it adds little besides smokiness to the smoke. I don't know what you mean by "trading storms" or "swarming jay." The birds (jays) don't normally swarm, and how do the other kind? Metal lords scorch the clouds . . majestic shrouds - good line.

A fine remembrance. What more is there to say.

It is immature, as the title says, for several reasons. A mature war protest would consist of sterner stuff. My question is why did you write it?

The last 4 lines sound cliche but the rest is golden.

one for the brits on this site, are their any left though? Wrote this hoping the sarc meister that is stephen robins or dark angel would add their quips.

I think G-d would be proud of this poem.

You can almost see the embedded dirt of Coventry. The kebab shoppe made me laugh the most. Middle Eastern food may be the worst to barf up (it's the cumin). Liked the dialog with the bouncer too. The harshest beatdown I ever saw was in the UK--we had a couple of days at Blackpool (nothing like what I expected--sort of a down-at-heel, minor-scale Mardi Gras, which came as a shock to us unsuspecting Yanks), and some guy tried to push his way past a ham-fisted bouncer, who knocked him down and HAMMERED him until the cops came along and HAMMERED him. I've seen NYC bouncer/cop beatdowns, but damn, nothing, nothing like that.

Cool sounds in this, Mac--"snap and graaaaple; laaand aaaanimal, you in crew/biting balance do; levels several ladders; etc. Love the long vowel sounds throughout, the casual rhyming, the wordplay. You need a little more coherence though--not necessarily a linear narrative or a story, but something strong enough to give the suggestion of (if not actual) sense/structure. Don't let the rhymes drive it too much either. Cool.

Whoever will you have left to blame if everyone stops believing in God? Maybe then we'll blame the soccer fans.

I think you're right when you say it's too literal, Paul. The weightier the subject, the more troublesome it is to approach head-on, I think. Like Emily Dickenson said, "tell the truth, but tell it slant." That's where metaphor, analogy, simile, imagery--literary sleight of hand--can make the difference.

I'm getting melting polar ice caps from it. Sounds really good.

A cool poem for a 'Hot' theme.

Should have posted it as an acrostic. I'm sure there is that option.

Grand, some excellent lines ('a watched sun never sets'). 'Loosens' was a bit cumbersome for my reading. No other problems. Is 'fifties' meant as double for the 1950's (sans pollution) and for 50 degrees (it'd have to be centigrade though, unless you meant it as a 50 degree angle to refer back to the sun...)?

Good edit.

If 'blare' is meant as a pun, then I feel I must protest in the strongest possible way. Having been subject to his rule, I can safely say that his chatter is never empty. It is crammed to the rafters with bullshit. Oh, and good poem ;-)

Is the jay a small aerial drone, and the swarm the bombers which follow its lead? It could almost be about a queen bee as well, except in the poem it's 'he' and 'silent'. If I'm wrong, don't give me the answer. I'll come back this evening and work it out.

too many people see their God for what it is not... thanx Caducus for these new revelation.

Good stuff, especially: God is just an excuse...I really dig that. Very intense.

rough draft