<{Baba^Yaga}>
on some deleted poem
5 Dec 2003, 12:09 PM
Moss should be fucking outlawed from poetry, no, really.
such lovely musical subtext and texture - a story evolving.
A novel pounding to get out.
Ja JA - that vuld be awesum!!
([slams fist on table] nicht war??)
"worderfully"?
Grody.
waterheavy flows - wary nyce.
I think its "how I and you", just for gigs. What do you think - does that sound right? "wondering how I turned into we", - versus "wondering how me turned into we" ... where are the grammar cops when you need them??
I think the shoes are a little heavy on this one, but there is a sense here with some word images that you are capable of much more.
jail [cell]
walking + shut[ting], or walk and shut - pick one. better yet, "walk[ed]"
peircing s/b piercing
I dunno, the repetition didn't quite work for me although I like the *idea* of the repetition - it reminds me of a ghazal.
Maybe 1000 piercing nails isn't scary enough - I thought the lions were more so - a 1000 lions... hmmmm.
either you are in love, or
you are full of shit.
this has impact - I like it - but loose the first couplet.
I'm never comfortable with the ranker used for bashing like this. Sure, it can inspire a poem - JBH is good with that kind of thing (and I'm fine with that), but this is just - ungood.
Go ahead - bash me now. whatever.
rings true, doesn't it - not too shabby, abby.
That big first stanza kinda seems begging to be broke - what u think? no?
This is me blabbering:
The line breaks are telling - even the stanza breaks; well done. Either you've seen lots of good poems, or you have more good ones. But some of the word choices, metaphors are â too easy, to my eye, anyway.
Sentimentally, itâs a fairly basic, almost cathartic exercise, but cleanly - efficiently - executed. The tone matches the subject really well. Maybe youâve just made lots of *this type* of poem.
For some reason the frickin thing intrigues me - makes me want to figure it out, as if there is more here. Itâs like I want to see the skills used on some other subject, I want the adept structure building to match the images that are placed on it.
Now I have to go poke around at your other stuff (when I really should just go to bed, obviously)
A lyric... - kindof like a Lou Reed type thing? That would work, but I feel like I'm missing the context of this, somehow. The little vignettes are done well - the rhyming stays *just* this side of being contrived.
The comments, even though they are over a year old, are pretty entertaining.
What prompted the re-post?
As it is with carajou.
That and the crotch of the panties.because, well, you see they're crotchless from the alien blood.
Interesting format, and I like the words/mood. I think it wants to be more though. Longer - stick a vaccuum pump on it.
Lovin "Only sand paperâs rough enough to dry all those tears" and "Got too many issues and not enough tissues"