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WHEN (Free verse) by Samantha when it happened
walking into the jail sell
and shut the door
Like 1000 peircing nails
When it got me
swimming right to the current
no breathing here
Like 1000 peircing nails
When it hurt
talking to a group of hungry lions
that ripped and tore
Like 1000 peircing nails
When it died
screaming as loud as i could
but nothing could hear
Like 1000 peircing nails
When its over
singing to butterflies
no crying, no encore
Like 1000 peircing nails
When there was happiness
no walking, talking, screaming,
and no swimming
its not so much
Like 1000 peircing nails
Up the ladder:
Whispering (Zero Atmosphere)
Down the ladder:
Sleepless Nights
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.5
Posted: December 5, 2003 5:30 PM PST; Last modified: December 5, 2003 5:30 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.134471 Overall Rank: 5532 Comments:
[8]
Shardik @ 24.126.116.54
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5-Dec-03/7:17 PM
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Reply
Nine inch snails. 8
[6]
Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177
> Shardik
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5-Dec-03/7:18 PM
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Reply
turn around *slowly*, mr. reznor....
jail [cell]
walking + shut[ting], or walk and shut - pick one. better yet, "walk[ed]" peircing s/b piercing I dunno, the repetition didn't quite work for me although I like the *idea* of the repetition - it reminds me of a ghazal. Maybe 1000 piercing nails isn't scary enough - I thought the lions were more so - a 1000 lions... hmmmm.
A thousang screaming women, there's a painful thought.
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