nypoet22
on some deleted poem
28 May 2007, 7:21 AM
flat.
does this contain a note of regret?
just to counterbalance Edna's vote.
some E. E. Cummings in this one ha
LOL...nice!
the wonderous sofa-shaped arse
nice, lots of emotion in this one. i've always liked villanelles.
the first line is completely unnecessary. the rest needs tightening of language.
as if were?
erstwhile kelp?
some of these choices of phrase need rethinking.
for awhile i thought this was about new jersey - the garden state... but yes, the first two lines seem unnecessary.
The imagery and flow is magnificent. I agree with nypoet however that the self reflection stanzas should be entirely cut. They detroy everything that you build before. Keep stanzas 1,2,3,7,8,9,10 and leave the rest unchanged.
molesting - dragging - torturing, and all things associated with the living...so visual here. Still not entirely sure this has clicked in its meaning with me, but I get lost in the movement within.
the last stanza should be split into two lines. i like the ending, but for it to have the impact i think you want, you have to introduce the coil image earlier. 'intricate architecture' could be improved upon to tie the beginning and end together.
numb with self-denial - doesn't show much. And it tries to tell something, but what?
Seems like some graphic image written in C++. Otherwise, what is the title about?
"I watched your sideview-mirror split
into a thousand glassy pieces,
like the sparkly spray from
sneezing in the sunlight."
My fav description - and like these lines, movement and colour follows in every thing you've written.
I get the feel of emo - but the cuz in the last line doesn't fit with the rest of the write. You could lose it and keep with the darkness, it lightens the write too much - almost childish.
don't like this...too bland and matter-of-fact
(I'm sorry, that seat is taken.) great line - work back from there and shorten your sentences - pull it all in tight and the image will just pop...
that certainly seems to sum up a fair amount of it.
Does that mean hope is the fountain of youth?