Huh. I am definitley not your biggest fan. But i like this one. 8 work for you?

Much better.

nice...i am no proffessional (as you have probably already realized :) ) but i like it, its got style. Nice work. Does a 9 work for you?

You can drop your third comma to obtain perfection.

What was that? Your impersonation of an exploding fork? I see you substituted pain for grammar.

Unless you're a fucking whore.

Another beautiful finger pointing ten year old fart trapped in a singing boner. You are obviously either my mother or related to her, or just a fucking cross eyed toad on the way to tire.

Christ you're horrible, amazingly bad, lovely although you completely suck? I just want you to know? Good.

mmmm, yummy word soup. I'm such a sucker for syncopation. L. 6 feels isolated, can he get a companion clause? L. 8 is too weak rhythmically to stand with the rest, get a spondee or two in there. You could just delete "so" for a spondee. L23-24. get rid of "these" and "of", and match your tenses: I sing battle hymns to Dixie, cotton and unbroken/But it just feels folktale. you wishy washy out near the end! How about "in the end when we heard", and find a way to get rid of courtesy if you can. i agreed with zodiacs suggestions also, except that I don't mind sweet. lol, we had a fight over the word thing once.

toilet

um, yeah... this is just... yeah... SO bad and hey, if you don't like getting ranked go post your crap somewhere else makes things easier on all of us that way, don't you think?

bum

wow, preachy much? you're never gonna convert anyone with that judgemental tone try reading milton's paradise lost for some good christian poetry

i read in your comments that this was written when you were "at the top of Mt. Eagle in Tenn." at a truck stop throw in some specifics about that place to make this more interesting right now it reads more like monologue than poetry

slant rhyme, enjambment, please use these techniques this is also a great candidate for the split couplet form and i think it would really pick up the pace and fit your theme well also, show us WHY you feel this way and have to keep it all bottled inside

i agree with z about the war line it doesn't fit and feels cliché unless "war" refers to some other kind of war (internal) and if so, that should be more obvious and even then, i don't know the ampersands also seemed a bit out of sorts with the other proper punctuation personally i would capitalize "Daddy" and break into a new stanza after that sequence additionally the two instances of "I discovered" and "naked" felt repetitious for no discernable reason however, overall you paint a very surreal and eerie feeling that i enjoyed

first stanza: its instead of it's i really dislike the entire second stanza, it feels very cliche compared to the rest of the piece third stanza: barren feels too dramatic i thought of this as a potential replacement when i read that line: Leaving my horizon undone. which leads nicely into the next stanza with the sun setting also, nice refrain at the end

Beautiful and dramatic. I can't recommend any changes to its present form. 10

I think that revealing that it is a dream right away seems apologetic, I would leave those references out until "when I woke up". The pig's ear pouch and the beginning of S3 were my favorites. Maybe I am missing the whole point but "Now I'm gonna sing you a lullaby so at least I'll have something" doesn't seem to work, maybe 'at least we'll have something" or "Now I'm gonna sing me a lullaby"... I got the song reference, but you are singing it for the "you" so how will you have "something". Anyhow, I thoroughly enjoyed it. - 10

"body, heart & soul"??? come on, i know you know that this has got to be the worlds most cliche word combo don't you know this??? ugh, this is putrid