wFraser Allonby Q.C.w
on some deleted poem
19 Apr 2004, 7:07 AM
http://tinyurl.com/3dof7
Hi. You have no idea how a semicolon works, do you?
i think this COULD be good, but the punctuation is horribly distracting, as is the poor grammar.
pump don't work cause the vandals stole the handles is a rip off of a Dylan song.
what is a laut?? a lout?
could be good. I won't vote now, because this obviously needs to be edited.
the body of christ. amen
the body of christ. amen
i can see it being a good song.
it is especially difficult for a reader of lyrics to imagine the beat, the cant, the rhythm of a song, when it does not rhyme. but, even as a poem, i think this is very good.
Yeah, I know what you mean. I think you are capable of saying it better. But it stands at a '8' on its own. Thanks for not making it as long as my wordy verses.
God is a target like New Orleans-- Big, Easy. I'm tired of all this worry about God, Jesus, Allah, etc. I'd rather read about your last cable bill and how it reminds you of Andrew Lloyd Weber's awful mis-take on T.S. Elliot's book. T.S., now, there's a real god for you. I know someone who actually touched his terry cloth bathrobe amd was healed from his own obsession with words. Meow.
better than smoke inhalation, which is more than i can say for many of the others.
i like it. i'd like to suggestive you use a descriptive for the dream because i think it would make that stanza more interesting, but other than that... i think it's very good.
really liking the second stanza a lot.
:) my two cents...
The first verse is good.
The second verse is vague, but ok. comfort -> comforts.
I think you could do without the last "Dear Diary . . ."
Overall, a good effort.
God, that was bad, long and bad.
These should be broken into the following categories:
-'...knowing you're an angel up above.'
-'...you're like an angel up above.'
-'...blessed by/sent by the Lord above.'
-[other objects above.]
-[doesn't make any goddamn sense.]
Dear Mr. Poe
I liked The Raven better, more fluid somehow, but you've made fine try here with the same Lenore, and even brought a chuckle where the former did not.
I can only guess what you might be talking about. No vote.
Sorry, but I made it only a quarter of the way through this choppy thing. Please try to be a little more concise.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
19 Apr 2004, 10:37 AM
Very, very fluid, mystical and haunting. But what does he say? Why should I care? When caressed with such music, feeling it is all that counts.