INTRANSIT
on Tripping Through A Paper Square by Shardik
16 May 2004, 5:25 AM
more hyphens! smash the molds!!
Read the masters. Learn about them so that you can forget later.
"live and love inside my universe" sounds like an anglophone Catullus on a bad day.
The whole thing seems a quasi-religious litany to some weird semi-deified entity known as "you." However "you" is most certainly not human because "you" is unable to air "your"m pain in reality. Then again "you" is also not omnipotent because "you" is not the one in whose universe the "living and loving" is done.
Please explain who this mysterious "you" is.
Thank you
ClichéééééééééééééééééÃ
emptiness is my business ....despair is my blood
dammit.
i like it ...it has made an image in my head ...
dammit.
The rhythm does seem a bit off, but villanelles are like that even when they're spot on, I think. You use some very simple rhymes, perhaps ironically, but that doesn't make them hurt less. I like the two lines you've used to repeat, and I really like that you alternate the leading. Negative points (in my book) for anything that asks for the context of poemranker. But. Dunno. For the form, and for what you're saying, I think you've done a decent job. Bonus for giving me fat to chew. This'll sit in my favorites for a bit regardless.
Interesting.
I really liked this, it is a bit long, I'm not sure what I would take out. But I have to disagree with the others-I liked the last stanza and I still cared at the end, but I may have drifted a bit in the middle, overall very well done.
Drop the last line.
Here I am. Lagging behind as usual.
Nono
Drop all of the last line except the first and last word. Then capitalize the last word
Then one would think you might know how to spell vein.
HOMOPHOBIC, aren't we all. I couldn't stop laughing!!!
A better deserved ten has never been issued. wheeeeee.
I guesss they'll think I'm a fag now too, screw 'em I loved this.
and which way to live is that?
good poem, brings back memories for me as well
*10*
meter... i guess....