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Toku (Free verse) by Bill Z Bub
NATURE! Toku shouts NATURE! in the midst, in the center surrounded, hands high, as others grip the slick rails and turn amused eyes, He laughs HA! NATURE! and the Thunderbeings laugh back! NATURE! in the mist tasting NATURE! on fingers and cheeks, soaking NATURE! in clothing and hair, Toku laughs HA! and the Maiden smiles back.

Up the ladder: stellar
Down the ladder: Numbers add to nothing

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.142857
Weighted score: 5.3073616
Overall Rank: 3579
Posted: October 21, 2003 9:49 AM PDT; Last modified: October 21, 2003 9:49 AM PDT
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Comments:
[9] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 | 21-Oct-03/2:45 PM | Reply
Quasi bombastic leave blower. And extra onions.
[5] poetandknowit @ 65.101.211.129 | 21-Oct-03/7:16 PM | Reply
The fact that Z has to send/post a picture of the event for the poem to really to take hold hurts the poem. Maybe you could give the reader just a bit more to make it make sense of what and why it (i.e. “Nature” is being said. I am afraid that the name just doesn’t cut it. Of course, I am sure hatter’s hare will disagree, but what does she know, she only drinks pilsner. I think we get that idea when we look at the picture, but alone I think the poem fails. Initially I was afraid you had holed up in the john with a tattered copy of “Iron John”.
[7] <~> @ 64.252.20.40 > poetandknowit | 21-Oct-03/7:28 PM | Reply
jeez you are cranky tonight. are you sure you're not holed up in a john?????

leave hatters hare alone--she has bushels of green tomatos and her pig farts when she gets into them! the things she has to contend with!!
[5] poetandknowit @ 65.101.211.129 > <~> | 21-Oct-03/7:37 PM | Reply
Iron John is a book by Robert Bly. The other point stands.
[7] <~> @ 64.252.20.40 > poetandknowit | 21-Oct-03/7:40 PM | Reply
even out here in the sticks, we know about john bly and his 'masterpiece'. i did not HAVE to post that page. i agree with you that the poem needs a little more framing. but i believe it captures the joy the guy was feeling. i was not arguing taht point; i was merely observing that you are, once again, cranky. you may not feel cranky, but it comes across that way in print. cranker. that point stands.

[5] poetandknowit @ 65.101.211.129 > <~> | 21-Oct-03/7:51 PM | Reply
ROBERT Bly is a goof.
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 24.43.48.67 > poetandknowit | 21-Oct-03/8:04 PM | Reply
Not so oddly, I own that book, and read it when I was an impressionable adolescent.
[7] <~> @ 64.252.20.40 > poetandknowit | 22-Oct-03/12:40 AM | Reply
remind me not to type when i am falling asleep, next time.
[5] poetandknowit @ 65.101.211.129 > <~> | 21-Oct-03/7:57 PM | Reply
I disagree with you and hatter's hare. Bub and Richa I think fall into the same category, although the bub utilizes more concrete language. Their poems are fragmented. Well thought out in their heads, but incomplete at times on paper. You can disagree all you want, but the fact is the picture makes the poem make sense. Look at some of the other comments. We don’t know who Toku is thus the exuberance is nil. You simply mentioning a name and screaming out NATURE in my mind doesn’t complete the poem or capture completely the rawness of the moment. With the picture I see who this guy is and the body langue in the photos, etc, etc, that isn’t in the poem. The image could be more complete.
[n/a] Bill Z Bub @ 24.43.48.67 > poetandknowit | 21-Oct-03/8:08 PM | Reply
I agree 87%.

[5] poetandknowit @ 67.40.59.124 > poetandknowit | 21-Oct-03/9:45 PM | Reply
Toku sounds Japanese or a shortened version of such, not primal, unless you think Asian names in their guttural stress patterns come of in a prehistoric or ancient fashion. I am not sure it does. You are correct in one aspect. We are discussing issues in the poem, as we did in the other of issues that do not merit debate. If you are good with the poem, okay. But frankly I think it could use more Toku and less NATURE. The idea is good, and you filling in the perceptions are good, but I am not so sure the poem is in this state. Just an opinion. And Maiden sounds odd even though I know it fits into a kings and queens primal sense. I’d rather debate you poems. They are closer to being finished.
[7] <~> @ 64.252.20.40 > poetandknowit | 22-Oct-03/12:41 AM | Reply
i was not disagreeing with you about your critique of the poem.

i was merely noting that you were cranky tonight,.
[5] poetandknowit @ 65.101.211.129 > <~> | 21-Oct-03/7:58 PM | Reply
And what the hell is the Maiden? Nature? If so, that is funny.
[7] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 | 21-Oct-03/7:32 PM | Reply
Nutty and impressive (in the way that it leaves an impression).

I like the unusual formatting.

On the downside, I feel like there is an oversimplification, or a misunderstanding someplace; just a feeling.
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