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Musings: Willow Sculpture (Free verse) by SupremeDreamer Oh weeping willow!
You cause me to ruminate
upon the tears that slide
along slender,
lachrymose blades,
enshrouding your
stooped form.
My calm examination leaves
me to conclude that your
legion of keen leaves exist
only to sheathe the humiliation
of your failure.
I consider your timid stance
a decrepit show of defiance
which makes me think:
You are not
a weeping willow,
but a living statue;
the frozen image of
opprobrium.
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This is how I write willow poems luckjoe...
enjoy the curse that I just did engrave
and burn on your forehead.
Up the ladder:
9/2/2003
Down the ladder:
Unemployment Lining
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.5454545
Posted: August 9, 2003 3:11 PM PDT; Last modified: August 9, 2003 3:11 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.7727275 Overall Rank: 1755 Comments:
[n/a]
SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.164.105
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9-Aug-03/3:14 PM
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Reply
*sigh*... im quite happy with this one.. of course, please do point out any problems etc, that i didnt see, this one i want to perfect till it stands solid, unmovable. :)
See now this is a poem. Hands downm a great observation, but statues are hand made Willows are not, and Joes are never lucky it always runs out during the switch from boy to man. 10.
heh. ;)
(I'm currently drunk so take my words at that).
I really like the idea behind this poem, so humor me supreme. I think the use of 'stooped' in the first stanza is not a strong enough descriptor. I also think that the second stanza (the double use of leaves in particular) actually cheapens the sentiment behind what you are getting at. We can all only wish that our poems weather like stone: lasting a mortal eternity, yet yielding to the wisdom of of those who tread after.
Stooped:
1: Bend one's back forward from the waist on down 2: Debase oneself morally, act in an undignified, unworthy, or dishonorable way <- this really gives a nice touch.. :) 5: Carry oneself, often habitually, with head, shoulders, and upper back bent forward. 3/4 was about sagging and descending quickly.. I think stooped worked well, in all respects, course i wouldnt mind a thought from you concerning what you would have chosen. ah, leaves, well.. fuck, i could say foliage! inspiration. thanks for pointing that one out, i made a revision to my computer copy. I could also change the first leave into left. a minor bump. and, i dont think any poem stands unmoved..either the poet moves it or- remembering my boring earth science classes, water makes stone turn into sand, its just a matter of time (depending on your opinion concering time anyway.) Dont worry about being wrong or whatever, i dont mind nitpicks at my stuff, i goto places other than here ya know, and i get people rewriting it in wierd ways saying "This will work better, and blah blah..." but its not that bad, it actually helps, depending on the critic. anyway, enjoy the drunken poetry, im also intoxicated: meth/pina colada's ;)
the second connotation more relevant and powerful than the first.
It is up to the reader, and I failed this simple test
dont feel bad, like i said man, i wasnt talking out my ass when i said my heads buried in a dictionary studying variouse words, etc.
When dark angel decided to flap with toothless lil grin about my spelling and such, i made it a goal of mine to outdo his dictionary fairy knowledge.. im pretty good at it now, course im still workin with it.
That's shooting for Uranus in a craft built currently for the moon, but a righteous goal none the less even if it's completely unfeasable.
Do you know what this poeme sounds like to me? It sounds like you thought about "weeping willows", and whenever you couldn't think of a word, or you could think of a word but wanted a better word meaning something similar, you looked in a dictionary or thesaurus to try and find the most sophisticated word you could, and then used that instead. The result is the slantiest pile of pretentious "you cause me to ruminate" verse I have ever seen. What a mess. Like Dante meets bosh in a crack lounge. I would urge anyone reading the words: ruminate, lachrymose, enshrouding, legion, decrepit or opprobrium, to picture the 17 year old SupremeDreamer earnestly leafing through the dictionary in search of said word, with an uncompromisingly learned expression on his bloated face. As far as I can see, if you are barely literate then your only chance to hit the big leagues as writer is to become a ballsy Y2K slam-street poete. Personally, I prefer a fusion of flash-dance with MC Hammer shit.
Why drag me into this? better a Y2k street poet than a YspecialK sodomite with a rave whistle/lightsicle and portable Sherlock homes det. kit with real scratch resisting magnifying Watson spectacle and Sherlock pipe and self adjusting hat with Mr. bubbles refillable cartridges and a childproof safety lock for when you want to impress your next lap dog at the local merry go round. Leave the kid alone. How else do you expect him to learn new words? Penis in ass osmosis like the welsh and the Benjaminites?
yes, your right dark, i can use a dictionary ;) and i dont have a problem admiting it. isnt that one of the points of poetry? to not use the same overused and crappy words that everyone else uses? eh? maybe i should of just used the less "sophisticated" words, and then i would have made a crappy 10 year old's poetry class submission. shut up,ok? im sorry your ego feels small when a 17 year old can do more shit with a dictionary than just sound smart by correcting peoples spelling.
No. That isn't "one of the points of poetry". Here is a poeme I like:
http://www.poets.org/poems/poems.cfm?454 And here is what your version would look like: http://agentprawne.illfuckinghostit.com/ Now do you see? And besides: what's all this guff about me correcting you all the time? As far as I recall, the only time I've done that was for your American Eden poeme, in which you had incorrectly used the word "its" ten times. I may have corrected the odd word elsewhere, but I'm hardly jumping on every syntactical error I find just to make me look smart. I already look smart. And judging by the way you write most of the time, it's obvious you don't really bother with things like spelling or grammar or the difference between "your" and "you're". You might just be ignorant, but you probably just can't be arsed. So I don't bother pointing it out. I only point out errors when I feel it undermimes the author's credibility and/or confidence. I do it because I'm good at it, and I'm genuinely interested in people. And because it makes me feel big.
i didnt say you correct me all the time. Nothing in my comment said that, read it some more, obviously that intelligence of yours cant comprehend what you read. ;) cute, very cute, im fucking devastated.
you should be. If you genuinely cannot see how forced and stupid your poeme sounds as a direct result of injudicious use of a dictionary, then there is no hope for you. You wanna hit the big leagues and play hardball with the cool-cats and hipsters like me, you gotta be sharp and classy like me. Learn the moves kid. Because ten years from now you'll thank me for it, and then you'll know it takes more than a cursory rumination upon the frozen image of opprobrium to make it in this business.
Forget it kid - it's Chinatown.
Plus, i went to my dictionary AFTER writing a first draft darkie, i dont need to shift through the dictionary while writing. ;P
so?
so you want to whine a little more? eh? cmon, lets get you to ramble on and on about... absolutely nothing. you know what else does that dark? a parrot.
Impressive, decoratively versed and heres a 9 for ink on my jugular.
really liked "lachrymose blades" for the weeping willow's branches and leaves-and you provide a somewhat surprising, good ending!
Recommend using a colon after living statue. Semicolons are for joining 2 complete sentences. 382 view(s)
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