Re: Tales From The Outhouse by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	5-Feb-04/12:54 PM
This is cute..okay, there's some humor. Which merits it a 5. I wouldn't do more because frankly the subject matter is just utterly ridiculous. Get on your soapbox now...I can already tell you're the type :-) (I can't believe everyone gave this a 10)
regarding some deleted poem...	5-Feb-04/12:57 PM
Yes, "a balloon" should be "balloons." I don't particularly like "as head lifts its angle." That's kinda awkwardly worded. (Yes "awkwardly worded" is a favorite phrase of mine). "Like an olde verse" doesn't sound right, rhythmically speaking. You're missing a syllable. You don't need a comma in the last stanza after "face". Otherwise this is alright. Not bad. Nothing fascinating about it either though.
regarding some deleted poem...	5-Feb-04/12:59 PM
Cute. I'd change 'peep' to 'make' though.
regarding some deleted poem...	5-Feb-04/1:01 PM
Hmm. Cute. But "be" and "crusty" don't really flow so well you know.
Re: mythical by SupremeDreamer	5-Feb-04/1:04 PM
This seems to be going back and forth too much between past and present tense. It could also use some cleaning up (typos and incorrectly spelled words etc.) I like "and before color could reach my cornea" and "before learning to crawl upon tiled floors." Those are the only lines that really stand out to me as 'strong' lines.
regarding some deleted poem...	5-Feb-04/1:05 PM
It kinda seems to me (from what i've seen of yours so far, which, granted, isn't all that much) that all these three liners are sort of an easy way out and rather hard to actually constructively critique. This is..well...mediocre.
regarding some deleted poem...	5-Feb-04/1:09 PM
I wasn't expecting to like this as much because of the title. Too 'teen angst-y'. But this piece is pretty good. I like it. It's really beyond me how people vote here. I see the stupidest shit getting 10's and this was surely not deserving of a 1. Oh well. my only suggestion: "From a job he no longer works at" should be a continuation of the previous sentence, not a new one.
Re: 3AM At Whitey's by DurtKL	5-Feb-04/1:10 PM
I'm seconding what Zodiac said. :D
regarding some deleted poem...	5-Feb-04/1:12 PM
Our way of life WAS eradicated? In the future? Or did you mean "would be" eradicated? (which would make more sense). Actually this is pretty decent. I would suggest removing the line "and neither should you" because A) it doesn't really do anything for the poem and B) it's too 'preachy.' I'd just end it something like "I don't believe that piece of shit, though I want it to happen because my life is so dull." or something like that.
Re: Nina Simone (part one) by zodiac	5-Feb-04/1:14 PM
Nice. I'm consistently impressed by what writing I've seen of yours. In fact, yours are among the best I've seen here (or most anywhere online lol) so far. You ignored my email though :( heh anyway this is awesome. I'd tell you my favorite parts, but I'd be quoting most of this piece back to you.
Re: Friends come and go, but sisters lasts forever. by devina	5-Feb-04/1:16 PM
As a sentiment, it's...nice. As a poem, it's horrid. (Sorry). Definitely too cliche, not exactly well-written, and positively boring.
regarding some deleted poem...	5-Feb-04/1:19 PM
The two strongest lines here are "Before it can be stopped, it has begun" and "We kill each other's virtue, as if we ever had it." The rest is just kinda blah. Some decent imagery, yes, but nothing that grabs me. With the two exceptions I just mentioned, it's basically been said before, and this didn't shed any new light on the subject. But it is quite a bit more well-written than a lot of the other stuff I've seen here.
regarding some deleted poem...	5-Feb-04/1:20 PM
Pretty good. I like this one. No major suggestions or crits.
Re: Soft Speak; Hard Emotion by Blindpoetry	5-Feb-04/1:28 PM
If you are truly 13, then this is actually very good for someone of that age. It does need to be cleaned up some. I just skimmed the other comments, so if I repeat anything, oh well. Stanza 1, Line 2: "Your" should be "you're." L3: I cannot see a man as a "maid." Make him someone else. The gardener. The caterer. the friggin butler. anything but maid. :-) Stanza 2, line 4 "breathe" should be "breath." Stanza 3 Line 4 "thats" needs an apostrophe. Stanza 5, line 4..it's awkward the way you went from addressing her as "you" to addressing her as "she." Stanza 6 line 1 "i" should be "I". I'm laughing at "I hope you don't mind, I fired the maid"..that's great, even though I still don't think it should be a male "maid". Other than that, the way you are attempting to show action here is awkward as well. It's not a script for a play, it's a poem, right? You need to fix that.
regarding some deleted poem...	5-Feb-04/1:30 PM
cute. but in a juvenile sorta way. not big on the rhyme. rhythm's decent.
Re: The girl next door by Jennichad	5-Feb-04/1:33 PM
I think this could have been a decent poem if it had been written in a different style. Here, as is, it's just too generic, although it has a decent rhythm to it. typo on curtain. I like "she fights one here alone."
Re: thinking while sawin' a few logs by Freethinker1602	5-Feb-04/1:34 PM
This has "Hallmark" written all over it.
regarding some deleted poem...	5-Feb-04/1:36 PM
Nice. I like it.
Re: How things should be... by DeadtotheWorld	5-Feb-04/1:37 PM
forced rhyme, stilted rhythm, and devoid of a single unique line.
Re: Some people don't know when to quit by Joe-joe	5-Feb-04/1:38 PM
This is cute and pretty well written. Entertaining read.