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Soft Speak; Hard Emotion (Free verse) by Blindpoetry Weeks pass by
Your not here
Did the maid go with you?
Because he isn't here either
I confess
My nervousness
I expected this to not work out
*nervous breathe* Was I right?
I give you my hand
I want to guide you
To happiness
I thought thats all you wanted
I hesitantly take my hand away
It got numb from your coldness
You ask if I'm ok, "Why are you like this?"
My temper rages; *yells, "You know why!"*
I get up, to my feet
Shock painted all over your face
I whisper, "See you at home... Dear."
She leaves with the maid.
Do i give you my jacket
So you can walk across the muddy water?
No. Just ask the maid!
He'll clean it up!
And I hope you don't mind
I fired the maid
He didn't do his job
He made this life harder!
So leave with him
I don't care (leave with him)
I won't sit and stare (leave with him)
I'll just *yells: go outside and save myself*
Up the ladder:
dying love
Down the ladder:
I never really knew
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.142857
Posted: February 2, 2004 2:22 PM PST; Last modified: February 2, 2004 2:22 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.3073616 Overall Rank: 3639 Comments:
Wow... A 0?
Please post what I did wrong, or what I need to work on. please? thanks.
<<<WARNING: long-winded miniscule grammar critique. All except blindpoetry should probably stop reading here.>>>
Okay... here we go: (1) There should be punctuation between lines 1 and 2 (and so on). Line-ends are not periods. (2) 'your' in line 2 should be you're, as in you are. (3) Your maid (note possessive pronoun your) is a guy??? For poetry's sake, please make don't call him a maid. Or don't call a maid a he. I don't care if it is sexist. (4) *What do these asterices mean?* (5) Breathe is a verb. It rhymes with seethe. Breath is a noun. (6) 'thats' should be 'that's', as in 'that is'. (7) "It got numb from your coldness" is a ridiculous way of talking. It's like 'I got scared by your scariness.' (8) Who's (note contraction) saying "Why are you like this?" Is that really how people ask if you're (contraction again) ok? (9) *yells - why an asterix? (10) "I get up, to my feet" - no comma. (11) Who are you calling "Dear"? What is this even about? (12) We capitalize I. (13) Of all the things in this poem that don't make sense, "I'll just *yells: go outside and save myself*" makes the least sense. But I reiterate that there are a bunch of other things in this poem that don't make sense. If you plan on saying that poetry is about feelings and not grammar, please take the exact opposite of what -=Dark_Angel=- said above as the opinion of myself and almost anyone else on the site and then go read the comments at the bottom of http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
Damn.
Well, ok. Thanks. The asters (i.e. *yells: go outside and save myself*) just say that I yell: yadayadayada... heh. I need to work on that, definately, I know... Thanks for not insulting me in such horrific ways, though.
Are you a native English speaker?
urm... I speak English... Do you mean Native as in Indian? If so, no.
why?
yeah sorry I meant native american it's just that native americans are really good poets like you :) because they know all about nature and prefer traditional woods as opposed to the modern plastic alternatives
hey i gave your poem a ten but i think it would be really good if you changed the first line from "Weeks pass by" to "Weeks pass by like charging braves"... it's just that this poem really reminds me of native american culture, and it would be great if you could include it somewhere. I think its a great image to use charging braves as a metaphor for the weeks passing by. Anyway let me know if you decide to include that edit thanks -10-
heh. Odd
10 - 5 - 0 = 5.0... very mixed feelings about this poem, eh? Thanks for the compliment! :) I'm really sorry, but I'd really like my poetry to be "my" work. I don't like to take anyone's suggestion on what to put in it. (nothing personal) But I'd just prefer that better, so no one will accuse me of plagarism or some type of crap like that. eh... But thanks for suggesting. :)
-0-
odd... odd, indeed.
Because I don't edit my poem with your idea, it is thrown into an abyss and walks out harmed from the brutality you layed upon my poem. At first, you say it is good and give it a ten. You suggest a line of YOUR work, practically. I say no, I really want my work to be My work and not any others - assuming this is the right thing to do. Then you turn back and give it a zero... because of that reason? This voting system is screwed up. What were the things I did wrong? What things do I need to work on? Do something, like Zodiac, and give a reason for the zero. please?
-10-
Oh my God.
I know what you mean. My fingers were trembling as I wrote that, utterly sickened that I could come up with something so -- <there is no word to describe it> -- even in jest. But I wrote on regardless, knowing full well what needed to be said, and saying it ere the vicious onslaught it inflicted upon my sense of taste left me gnarled beyond all repair.
...wait... I cant tell if I'm reading this correctly, for lack of knowledge on most of the words.
It was just a shtick?
CODE BROWN -- ABORT ABORT ABORT ABORT ABO..... pppt* gale force eight
yes, please do.
This stopped being funny when it became evident he really is thirteen. If you're as brave as you are witty & intelligent, you'll have a straight-up conversation with him about it.
I'll tell you when it stops being funny, my lad. How dare you goad me into shame with a trite and underhand appeal to my wither'd sense of bravery? An appeal - I might add - that serves mainly to stroke and caress the boiled tumours on your own batter'd conscience. As it happens, I never found this affair particularly amusing, and was half-hoping my ever more ludicrous remarks would be interpreted as such. Does that make me half the naughty boy you thought I was? Good Christ I hope so.
A straight-up conversation, you say? Well perhaps 13 year olds ought to be patronised. Forgive me. Watch me now as I try to claw myself back from the abyss, being utterly inconsistent in my behaviour, almost to the last detail, the smoothing over of relations a thinly veiled disguise for the desperate, self-prescribed, guilt-soothing therapy of a silly, naughty bully who couldn't stop because it made him feel like a big man. These comments will self-destruct in blah blah blah
lol, you're definitely at least partly right about trying to soothe my own conscience. I feel absolutely terrible...you have to do something... It started out being enormously funny, and then went bad. If he would only just get pissed off and lay into you, I could breathe a big sigh of relief, but he's so dreadfully earnest. He's pretty damn smart for 13, he'll probably end up being a good writer if you haven't PERMANENTLY DAMAGED HIM.
Blindpoetry, you were being had on er, somewhat. But don't take it too seriously. It happens to all of us. Fight back! But don't take that too seriously either, that's even worse.
I hope you are now basking in the lewd lagoon of a newfound sense of well-being.
I am indeed. (my membership to suicidegirls.com helps with that)
mmmmm, suicidegirls.com, mmmmmmm
re: "if you haven't PERMANENTLY DAMAGED HIM." The test of your quality as a poet, blindpoetry, is going to be exactly that. Sensitive moaners go in one drawer here and elsewhere; non-sensitive non-moaners go in the other. Oh, and the first drawer is a trash can. Sorry. If you really, really want advice, here's the best I can think of right now: don't give a fuck. Not in a silent-suffering way, but in an I'm an adult now (or will be soon) and it doesn't matter that I got laid by the wrong guy or girl when I was drunk at that party when I was 12 and felt a little bad about it the next morning way. Poetry is so full of those people that it honestly makes me ill. That crap is all bullshit anyway; it's just what people who don't know about poetry think poetry is about in the stock words and phrases that people think poetry is supposed to be written in. You want an idea? Take -=Dark_Angel=-'s advice seriously: write a poem about a Ware-Pig. You think I'm kidding, but I guarantee it won't be a bad poem. And then write about 10,000 more things that haven't been written about before, and then throw all but 2 of those things away and start over again. And by the time you get to that point, you'll be writing great stuff. At least, that's what I hear. And for Chrissake fucking learn the rules of writing English. Anyway, I do feel a little bad about my part in this whole business and hope this begins to make it up to you a little.
haha... funny!
...Hm... Writing about 10,000 things that have never been written about before? And the nthrow almost every single one of them away and start from scratch? Crazy enough to work, maybe... heh. ...and the english thing - well, I was kinda lazy and didn't use Mricrosoft word to edit my poetry (ha?) ...plus, I got a C in english for my lack of respect for my damn teacher. Yeah, I'm'a gonna try harder, write millions of crappy poetry, and hope to get a bit better each time.
Lol. I have to admit, I've never heard the question answered like that. Bravo, young native!
I like this a lot. It reminds me of my own poems! Have a look at my poems and tell me what you think. I've been given a lot of negative feedback from people on this site, so I would appreciate a positive critique. Thanks! -10-
plagarist!
Hi Blindpoetry,
This is just a note to say don't listen to -=Dark_Angel=-. He is a fool, and is not to be taken seriously. Think of him as a sort of jester - a nude jester, granted - but a jester all the same. If you remember that simple rule, you will find him to be quite harmless. If this silly episode can help your poetry in some way, almost certainly via some bizarre, highly tenuous leap of the imagination, then perhaps its lesson comes in the form of a web address: www.dictionary.com The next time a jester like -=Dark_Angel=- uses an obscure word like 'jester', or 'obscure', or 'tenuous', you can go there and look it up. There, I've given you three new words to start you off - best of luck, and God speed! As ever, -=Dark_Angel=- P.S Don't worry about Billy Biff-Chin. Plagiarists are always caught by the webmaster within a few days.
-10- well done. Much much better than I could have ever done. Whew. The boiled tumors of my conscience feel much better now. Thank you.
Not at all, old boy. Besides, can you think of a better place than this poeme to thwart -=Dark_Angel=-'s 'Hard Speak; Hard Emotion' reputation? I SURE CAN'T!!!!11
Nope, here for all of time ('less you resort to the unmanly little red x) is recorded the truth of your soft heart, underneath all those layers of crusted jodphurs.
http://www.livejournal.com/~blueblindbee/
Feb. 4th, 2004 08:32 pm ... Odd events occuring in poemranker. I found out that Dark Angel is really some type of "jester" ... go figure, eh? ... I'm going to try a new thing. Write about things that have never (or rarely) been written about. Such as ... grass. Just a poem about grass ... or a poem about a piece of paper (basically the way Mrs. Clinkingbeard was trying to do to us) ... and after writing about all of those useless stuff, I throw it all away and do it all over again. I'm just going to forget about writing about a broken heart, or love or w/e crap that seems to be the only thing thats being written about these days. ... I'm glad i found poemranker. I really am. Without poemranker, Id still be here - with everyone saying "ooohh Your poetry is awesome!"
...and you gained WHAT by pasting that?
STILL MAD AT BILLY-BIFF CHIN!!!
Feb. 5th, 2004 04:19 pm ... He copy and pasted one of my journal entries to poemranker about how I'm glad I found poemranker ... What the hell did he gain from that? ... I know the webmaster will take care of it, after being informed by Dark Angel of that ... I'm not as worried, but still totally pissed at this guy ...
haha.
Anger has been reduced to little. k, thanks for clearing some of this up for me. At first I was about to blow hard wind to you. (about as bad as a...fart?) ...anyways, ok. thanks - I'm going to work on my vocabulary then write weird, awkward poetry about things that haven't been written about. (or thigns that are rarely written about.) :)
The highest ambition of man indeed.
You are the darkest ninja ever, I know you think I'm a total cad, because well, I am, but you have taught me more about writing in two years than I would ever care to list.
But here is a try: 1. Nudity, is and always has been sacred, and if not it's still a great way to check for genital herpes prior to intercourse, and or anal cauliflower. 2. Uranus, though impossible to get to, would be beautiful if we could. 3. Tribal drum beats can be used for more than just sex and cooking, it's a great way to get the hippies out of the high traffic areas at hot spots. 4.You are only as good as your butler. 5. You are only as tame as your beard. 6. Johdpurs do exceptional things, even for the hips of the handicapped and or minority polo player, jockies, (a)equestrians. 7. All great writers need gimicks, I have Spuna... you have prawns and other sub orders of various things. shoes, clergy, old people etc... 8. At last, but not least, new age wiccan ass hats and goth cutters and suicide saturated sissies, bipolar bird lovers, and hippies that make beer coasters out of cork? Should be immediately executed with slighly boiled peeled potatoes shot from a high pressure air cannon. Well, maybe not totally 'that' in a nut shell, but that's the joy of reading poetry? It is what you want it to be, unless you're a total dick fluff, and think the clear channel is actually clear.
Point 4 has been shortlisted for inclusion in next year's edition of 'The Gentleman's Code'
Yes, and number one should be aids. Here is your task, save the planet from aids. What will heaven say then but "surely come in" Or ducks, I believe ducks have gotten a bad poetic deal in the scheme of things. Songbirds, crows and the almighty EAGLE are the survey says front runner, but I picked up this information from an inside source... Write up aids and ducks, wait... OH MY GOD... write about ducks with aids, create a whole galxy of ducks with aids, and their battle against Mallardophobia, fowlpes, and the dreaded DuCKBuTTER.
re: "weird, awkward poetry about things that haven't been written about." ONE LAST THING and then I swear I'm done with this fucked-up string! See if I'm not!!! See, you (blindpoetry) write about breakups, sadness, and that guff because it's embedded into your consciousness, the way you see a sunset and say 'that's beautiful' because someone has told you sunsets are beautiful. You pay attention to them. Now what if instead of telling you sunsets were beautiful, they had told you poo was beautiful, or a duck dying of AIDS, its tender stiffening body tracing duck angels in the powdery snow, was beautiful? Then you'd stop when you saw a duck dying of AIDS and pay attention. You'd think it was poetic. That's what we do. We who write poetry are the ones who TELL PEOPLE THAT THINGS ARE BEAUTIFUL (or insert any other adjective for beautiful.) It's not the other way around. We're the ones who embed things in other people's consciousness, which means the first thing we have to do is get rid of all that guff embedded in us. Does that make any sense? Great. Tchuss!
Dime flicker.
re: "Dime flicker." Flick a dime, and occasionally, though rarely, it lands perfectly wedged between a naked woman's perfect buttocks.
By the way... Loved the we part, really.
This poem has become a forum of the profane. I shall give it a 10, or what the old hippy upstairs would say "23.8457654657" whatever in the greenest fuck posible, that means.
If you are truly 13, then this is actually very good for someone of that age. It does need to be cleaned up some. I just skimmed the other comments, so if I repeat anything, oh well. Stanza 1, Line 2: "Your" should be "you're." L3: I cannot see a man as a "maid." Make him someone else. The gardener. The caterer. the friggin butler. anything but maid. :-) Stanza 2, line 4 "breathe" should be "breath." Stanza 3 Line 4 "thats" needs an apostrophe. Stanza 5, line 4..it's awkward the way you went from addressing her as "you" to addressing her as "she." Stanza 6 line 1 "i" should be "I". I'm laughing at "I hope you don't mind, I fired the maid"..that's great, even though I still don't think it should be a male "maid". Other than that, the way you are attempting to show action here is awkward as well. It's not a script for a play, it's a poem, right? You need to fix that.
yes yes, all of that has been said. But thanks!
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What does that exactly mean?
"Horn'd Shoe" as per the instructions you had left for us on the napkin in "Stixcker's Pub" but Max, a chronic asthma victim, hacked up a loogie and accidentilly... used said napkin to catch said flung matter. So, what we thought said "Bet the Barn" said "I'm in the barn" If we'd only checked, we might have saved you from your unfortunate hay rolling incident that left you permanently sneezing, and found out that "horn'd shoe"... only had three legs, not to mention, that the jockey was no other than a horribly obese german ex chelo player from that band "the glue factory" alas, so much suffering could have been avoided, I'd still be a lad, and you'd still be... a dancer.