Free verse № 84753
Soft Speak; Hard Emotion
Weeks pass by
Your not here
Did the maid go with you?
Because he isn't here either
I confess
My nervousness
I expected this to not work out
*nervous breathe* Was I right?
I give you my hand
I want to guide you
To happiness
I thought thats all you wanted
I hesitantly take my hand away
It got numb from your coldness
You ask if I'm ok, "Why are you like this?"
My temper rages; *yells, "You know why!"*
I get up, to my feet
Shock painted all over your face
I whisper, "See you at home... Dear."
She leaves with the maid.
Do i give you my jacket
So you can walk across the muddy water?
No. Just ask the maid!
He'll clean it up!
And I hope you don't mind
I fired the maid
He didn't do his job
He made this life harder!
So leave with him
I don't care (leave with him)
I won't sit and stare (leave with him)
I'll just *yells: go outside and save myself*
51 comments
What does that exactly mean?
"Horn'd Shoe" as per the instructions you had left for us on the napkin in "Stixcker's Pub" but Max, a chronic asthma victim, hacked up a loogie and accidentilly... used said napkin to catch said flung matter. So, what we thought said "Bet the Barn" said "I'm in the barn" If we'd only checked, we might have saved you from your unfortunate hay rolling incident that left you permanently sneezing, and found out that "horn'd shoe"... only had three legs, not to mention, that the jockey was no other than a horribly obese german ex chelo player from that band "the glue factory" alas, so much suffering could have been avoided, I'd still be a lad, and you'd still be... a dancer.
Please post what I did wrong, or what I need to work on. please? thanks.
Okay... here we go:
(1) There should be punctuation between lines 1 and 2 (and so on). Line-ends are not periods.
(2) 'your' in line 2 should be you're, as in you are.
(3) Your maid (note possessive pronoun your) is a guy??? For poetry's sake, please make don't call him a maid. Or don't call a maid a he. I don't care if it is sexist.
(4) *What do these asterices mean?*
(5) Breathe is a verb. It rhymes with seethe. Breath is a noun.
(6) 'thats' should be 'that's', as in 'that is'.
(7) "It got numb from your coldness" is a ridiculous way of talking. It's like 'I got scared by your scariness.'
(8) Who's (note contraction) saying "Why are you like this?" Is that really how people ask if you're (contraction again) ok?
(9) *yells - why an asterix?
(10) "I get up, to my feet" - no comma.
(11) Who are you calling "Dear"? What is this even about?
(12) We capitalize I.
(13) Of all the things in this poem that don't make sense, "I'll just *yells: go outside and save myself*" makes the least sense. But I reiterate that there are a bunch of other things in this poem that don't make sense.
If you plan on saying that poetry is about feelings and not grammar, please take the exact opposite of what -=Dark_Angel=- said above as the opinion of myself and almost anyone else on the site and then go read the comments at the bottom of http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
Well, ok. Thanks.
The asters (i.e. *yells: go outside and save myself*) just say that I yell: yadayadayada... heh. I need to work on that, definately, I know...
Thanks for not insulting me in such horrific ways, though.
why?
10 - 5 - 0 = 5.0... very mixed feelings about this poem, eh?
Thanks for the compliment! :)
I'm really sorry, but I'd really like my poetry to be "my" work. I don't like to take anyone's suggestion on what to put in it. (nothing personal) But I'd just prefer that better, so no one will accuse me of plagarism or some type of crap like that. eh... But thanks for suggesting. :)
Because I don't edit my poem with your idea, it is thrown into an abyss and walks out harmed from the brutality you layed upon my poem. At first, you say it is good and give it a ten. You suggest a line of YOUR work, practically. I say no, I really want my work to be My work and not any others - assuming this is the right thing to do. Then you turn back and give it a zero... because of that reason? This voting system is screwed up.
What were the things I did wrong? What things do I need to work on? Do something, like Zodiac, and give a reason for the zero. please?
It was just a shtick?
This stopped being funny when it became evident he really is thirteen. If you're as brave as you are witty & intelligent, you'll have a straight-up conversation with him about it.
A straight-up conversation, you say? Well perhaps 13 year olds ought to be patronised. Forgive me. Watch me now as I try to claw myself back from the abyss, being utterly inconsistent in my behaviour, almost to the last detail, the smoothing over of relations a thinly veiled disguise for the desperate, self-prescribed, guilt-soothing therapy of a silly, naughty bully who couldn't stop because it made him feel like a big man. These comments will self-destruct in blah blah blah
Blindpoetry, you were being had on er, somewhat. But don't take it too seriously. It happens to all of us. Fight back! But don't take that too seriously either, that's even worse.
...Hm... Writing about 10,000 things that have never been written about before? And the nthrow almost every single one of them away and start from scratch? Crazy enough to work, maybe... heh.
...and the english thing - well, I was kinda lazy and didn't use Mricrosoft word to edit my poetry (ha?) ...plus, I got a C in english for my lack of respect for my damn teacher.
Yeah, I'm'a gonna try harder, write millions of crappy poetry, and hope to get a bit better each time.
This is just a note to say don't listen to -=Dark_Angel=-. He is a fool, and is not to be taken seriously. Think of him as a sort of jester - a nude jester, granted - but a jester all the same. If you remember that simple rule, you will find him to be quite harmless.
If this silly episode can help your poetry in some way, almost certainly via some bizarre, highly tenuous leap of the imagination, then perhaps its lesson comes in the form of a web address:
www.dictionary.com
The next time a jester like -=Dark_Angel=- uses an obscure word like 'jester', or 'obscure', or 'tenuous', you can go there and look it up. There, I've given you three new words to start you off - best of luck, and God speed!
As ever,
-=Dark_Angel=-
P.S Don't worry about Billy Biff-Chin. Plagiarists are always caught by the webmaster within a few days.
Feb. 4th, 2004
08:32 pm
... Odd events occuring in poemranker. I found out that Dark Angel is really some type of "jester" ... go figure, eh?
... I'm going to try a new thing. Write about things that have never (or rarely) been written about. Such as ... grass. Just a poem about grass ... or a poem about a piece of paper (basically the way Mrs. Clinkingbeard was trying to do to us) ... and after writing about all of those useless stuff, I throw it all away and do it all over again. I'm just going to forget about writing about a broken heart, or love or w/e crap that seems to be the only thing thats being written about these days.
... I'm glad i found poemranker. I really am. Without poemranker, Id still be here - with everyone saying "ooohh Your poetry is awesome!"
Feb. 5th, 2004
04:19 pm
... He copy and pasted one of my journal entries to poemranker about how I'm glad I found poemranker ... What the hell did he gain from that? ... I know the webmaster will take care of it, after being informed by Dark Angel of that ... I'm not as worried, but still totally pissed at this guy ...
Anger has been reduced to little. k, thanks for clearing some of this up for me. At first I was about to blow hard wind to you. (about as bad as a...fart?) ...anyways, ok. thanks - I'm going to work on my vocabulary then write weird, awkward poetry about things that haven't been written about. (or thigns that are rarely written about.) :)
But here is a try:
1. Nudity, is and always has been sacred, and if not it's still a great way to check for genital herpes prior to intercourse, and or anal cauliflower.
2. Uranus, though impossible to get to, would be beautiful if we could.
3. Tribal drum beats can be used for more than just sex and cooking, it's a great way to get the hippies out of the high traffic areas at hot spots.
4.You are only as good as your butler.
5. You are only as tame as your beard.
6. Johdpurs do exceptional things, even for the hips of the handicapped and or minority polo player, jockies, (a)equestrians.
7. All great writers need gimicks, I have Spuna...
you have prawns and other sub orders of various things.
shoes, clergy, old people etc...
8. At last, but not least, new age wiccan ass hats and goth cutters and suicide saturated sissies, bipolar bird lovers, and hippies that make beer coasters out of cork? Should be immediately executed with slighly boiled peeled potatoes shot from a high pressure air cannon. Well, maybe not totally 'that' in a nut shell, but that's the joy of reading poetry? It is what you want it to be, unless you're a total dick fluff, and think the clear channel is actually clear.
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