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Soft Speak; Hard Emotion (Free verse) by Blindpoetry

Weeks pass by Your not here Did the maid go with you? Because he isn't here either I confess My nervousness I expected this to not work out *nervous breathe* Was I right? I give you my hand I want to guide you To happiness I thought thats all you wanted I hesitantly take my hand away It got numb from your coldness You ask if I'm ok, "Why are you like this?" My temper rages; *yells, "You know why!"* I get up, to my feet Shock painted all over your face I whisper, "See you at home... Dear." She leaves with the maid. Do i give you my jacket So you can walk across the muddy water? No. Just ask the maid! He'll clean it up! And I hope you don't mind I fired the maid He didn't do his job He made this life harder! So leave with him I don't care (leave with him) I won't sit and stare (leave with him) I'll just *yells: go outside and save myself*

NanceXToo 5-Feb-04/1:28 PM
If you are truly 13, then this is actually very good for someone of that age. It does need to be cleaned up some. I just skimmed the other comments, so if I repeat anything, oh well. Stanza 1, Line 2: "Your" should be "you're." L3: I cannot see a man as a "maid." Make him someone else. The gardener. The caterer. the friggin butler. anything but maid. :-) Stanza 2, line 4 "breathe" should be "breath." Stanza 3 Line 4 "thats" needs an apostrophe. Stanza 5, line 4..it's awkward the way you went from addressing her as "you" to addressing her as "she." Stanza 6 line 1 "i" should be "I". I'm laughing at "I hope you don't mind, I fired the maid"..that's great, even though I still don't think it should be a male "maid". Other than that, the way you are attempting to show action here is awkward as well. It's not a script for a play, it's a poem, right? You need to fix that.




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