NanceXToo5 Feb 2004

If you are truly 13, then this is actually very good for someone of that age. It does need to be cleaned up some. I just skimmed the other comments, so if I repeat anything, oh well. Stanza 1, Line 2: "Your" should be "you're." L3: I cannot see a man as a "maid." Make him someone else. The gardener. The caterer. the friggin butler. anything but maid. :-) Stanza 2, line 4 "breathe" should be "breath." Stanza 3 Line 4 "thats" needs an apostrophe. Stanza 5, line 4..it's awkward the way you went from addressing her as "you" to addressing her as "she." Stanza 6 line 1 "i" should be "I". I'm laughing at "I hope you don't mind, I fired the maid"..that's great, even though I still don't think it should be a male "maid". Other than that, the way you are attempting to show action here is awkward as well. It's not a script for a play, it's a poem, right? You need to fix that.