Poemranker [Replying] Thu Nov 21 17:54:28 PST 2024

Replying to a comment on:

Soft Speak; Hard Emotion (Free verse) by Blindpoetry

Weeks pass by Your not here Did the maid go with you? Because he isn't here either I confess My nervousness I expected this to not work out *nervous breathe* Was I right? I give you my hand I want to guide you To happiness I thought thats all you wanted I hesitantly take my hand away It got numb from your coldness You ask if I'm ok, "Why are you like this?" My temper rages; *yells, "You know why!"* I get up, to my feet Shock painted all over your face I whisper, "See you at home... Dear." She leaves with the maid. Do i give you my jacket So you can walk across the muddy water? No. Just ask the maid! He'll clean it up! And I hope you don't mind I fired the maid He didn't do his job He made this life harder! So leave with him I don't care (leave with him) I won't sit and stare (leave with him) I'll just *yells: go outside and save myself*

zodiac

2-Feb-04/8:43 PM

<<<WARNING: long-winded miniscule grammar critique. All except blindpoetry should probably stop reading here.>>>
Okay... here we go:
(1) There should be punctuation between lines 1 and 2 (and so on). Line-ends are not periods.
(2) 'your' in line 2 should be you're, as in you are.
(3) Your maid (note possessive pronoun your) is a guy??? For poetry's sake, please make don't call him a maid. Or don't call a maid a he. I don't care if it is sexist.
(4) *What do these asterices mean?*
(5) Breathe is a verb. It rhymes with seethe. Breath is a noun.
(6) 'thats' should be 'that's', as in 'that is'.
(7) "It got numb from your coldness" is a ridiculous way of talking. It's like 'I got scared by your scariness.'
(8) Who's (note contraction) saying "Why are you like this?" Is that really how people ask if you're (contraction again) ok?
(9) *yells - why an asterix?
(10) "I get up, to my feet" - no comma.
(11) Who are you calling "Dear"? What is this even about?
(12) We capitalize I.
(13) Of all the things in this poem that don't make sense, "I'll just *yells: go outside and save myself*" makes the least sense. But I reiterate that there are a bunch of other things in this poem that don't make sense.
If you plan on saying that poetry is about feelings and not grammar, please take the exact opposite of what -=Dark_Angel=- said above as the opinion of myself and almost anyone else on the site and then go read the comments at the bottom of http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=79015. Thank you for asking so nicely. I hope I've been some help.

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