Re: Relics in Entropy by PsydewaysTears	12-Dec-05/12:35 PM
I will 10-vote all your poems if you can adequately define entropy without looking it up.
Re: I saw Your Face Last Night by Dovina	12-Dec-05/12:32 PM
I Saw Your Face Last Night as I lay in bed, each line, each feature in the ceiling, your eyes urgently staring, lips parted as if to receive. Sleep distant your illusion hovered, reaching to me. I lay still, staring, not wishing to lose you in half-sleep, I tasted you in mind, waited for you to invade dreams. An empty place beside me, the sheets there cold, I traced your arms and back.
Re: I Remember Thinking by BrandonW	12-Dec-05/12:29 PM
"than she", not "than her".
Re: Bri's Room (not done) by Sunshine Conkey	12-Dec-05/12:20 PM
Please do us the small courtesy of waiting until you've finished the poem before posting it.
Re: Towards the Sun or The keeper of the bay they call a pond by somemorepoetry	12-Dec-05/12:19 PM
Small edits: - Period after "legs" in stanza 1, instead of semicolon. - Drop "aside" from stanza 3. At the very least, you need punctuation after "aside". - Don't repeat "longer" in stanza 4. - Check your use of "the" and "a" again. Some (ie, 'the longer haze of a lake') is a little jarring. - "After" in stanza 5, not "Thereafter". - "I'd found" instead of "I found". - Change at least stanza 6 to past tense. Probably stanza 7 as well. That's all. This is the best thing I've read so far today.
Re: a comment on Indian Song by ALChemy	12-Dec-05/12:01 PM
It's been done. http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=134560
Re: a comment on Observer by Dovina	11-Dec-05/3:56 PM
I should add that I almost never consider myself angry.
Re: a comment on Observer by Dovina	11-Dec-05/3:55 PM
1) The last line of every fake dialogue should be utter silliness. That's the only way. 2) That's fine with me. 3) If some not-angry part of me was "observing" an angry part of me, I'd say I wasn't really angry. I honestly (and not-snarkily) can't see how it could be otherwise.
Re: a comment on Due Consideration by Dovina	11-Dec-05/2:26 PM
Yes, it's perfectly obvious that agreeing with you is "admitting" existant conditions, while disagreeing with you is "insisting" on a dangerously-brown guff-track.
Re: a comment on Due Consideration by Dovina	11-Dec-05/2:16 PM
Yes, that's a difference. Another difference is what you think the words "admission" and "insistence" mean.
Re: a comment on The Third Fall Of Jesus by amanda_dcosta	10-Dec-05/4:42 AM
You're welcome. I hope you're not bothered or insulted or anything. There is such a thing as poetic license, and it basically means 'seeing how much you can get away with, asking your reader to go along with something unnatural or untrue.' For example, I once wrote a poem where a duck slit its own wrists. Another time, I wrote a poem where a white man's mother was black. The part of your 5 loaves poem where you said the people were dying of hunger takes poetic license, since it's not true to the real Bible story. Sometimes people go along with poetic license, sometimes they object. Poetic license doesn't mean that they have to accept it. Passive tense means saying "The chair was built by me", "The game was won by Lahore", etc. You don't do that in your poem. I would never ask you to change your poetic style. But surely if you could improve it with just a little work, you would, right? I think you can. I don't mean to be trashing your style, yourself, or anything else. I'm writing such long nitpicky reviews because I see that (unlike a lot of poemranker users) you have talent and you listen to suggestions. That means your already better than 99% of the people out there. Anyway, please don't feel bad. -zodiac
Re: a comment on Emma Barksdale by rahson_s	9-Dec-05/1:55 PM
Okay, it works now.
Re: Emma Barksdale by rahson_s	9-Dec-05/1:40 PM
I can't make the utopiawright link work. What's everyone talking about? I want to see!
Re: a comment on Observer by Dovina	9-Dec-05/11:53 AM
"Beware of the present tense." - Peter Davison, Poetry Editor of The Atlantic Monthly.
Re: a comment on Observer by Dovina	9-Dec-05/11:30 AM
Kidding. Did you know I'm back in America? This country's not ready for my brand of craziness.
Re: Observer by Dovina	9-Dec-05/11:26 AM
From a poetry standpoint, I'd simply make all these verbs past tense and fix the rhythm in the last half. Otherwise, good - from a poetry standpoint. From a morality standpoint, as corrupt as ever.
Re: a comment on The Third Fall Of Jesus by amanda_dcosta	9-Dec-05/11:17 AM
http://www.ketzle.com/frost/outout.htm
Re: a comment on Relief (Ventilation Shaft rewrite) by cyan9	9-Dec-05/8:58 AM
At any rate, it's not kosher to say let the poor help themselves. That's my point.
Re: a comment on Relief (Ventilation Shaft rewrite) by cyan9	9-Dec-05/8:57 AM
1. I like your idea about endless sentences (kind of like the verses in the Stones' "Ventilator Blues"?), but these aren't sentences. And they keep changing focus. And I keep changing focus. It's been a long week, folks. 2. 4 days of partying in preparation for leaving the MidEast, then the flight itself. 3. I've spent the last year-and-a-half trying to help people who won't help themselves. It turns out, they're not in any position to help themselves, that's why they need help. At some point you either decide to do it for them, which is nice, or you let them twist, which is probably fine too until they break into your house and kill you for your stereo or halfcocked revolution.
Re: a comment on Relief (Ventilation Shaft rewrite) by cyan9	9-Dec-05/7:20 AM
Oops. Just realized the red lightning forks are streaking. Well, that's too long anyway, and wandering too far from the sentence's first action. In my edit, change "Forks streaked across" to "Its forks streaked across" or some other word for lightning besides "forks" or "lightning".