re: "For me the sunk rhyme stops the piece before the new line." The correct way to read a poem is not to consider the end of a line as a period or break. Imagine reading this as prose: "Sit out all night on an old Pontiac sunk in weeds up to its windows, in a field where winds blow warm over us." It makes perfect sense now, doesn't it? Ask yourself if this would work better:
"Until my body with yours you cover,
The trunk of a tree which over us bends,
Creaking in the wind..."
Basically, you'll find that ending lines at the ends of clauses or phrases drastically limits the amount of things you can say or the amount of style or natural diction you can use. Walt Whitman pulled it off with his amazing run-on lines, but almost everyone since has considered the concept of 'enjambment' a necessary poetic tool. Will you please give this one another shot with that in mind?

Here's some cheese: it's a primal expression of need, in the simplest purest form. The 'Christ!' especially gets me. And the small rain. And that as much as he wants his love's touch, he also really just wants to be in bed. It's a good one for rockmage to look up sometime, with his ten-word poems. That is how it's done, rockmage.

Weird call on the western wind. I haven't seen that poem in years, but I remember it giving me an odd feeling every time I read it - still does.

I just meant it's too cold for love, which is kind of the case here, or neglecting love until it's been too long to start again. I've tried to make this longer and fuller dozens of times and not been successful - another example of the poem choosing its shape.

One more quibble: segregating circles would be more accurate; but I almost like segregated better, whether it makes sense or not. Something to think about, at any rate.

I just spent an hour reading eratosphere. Ehh. Kinda airless in there, isn't it? And I agree: sterile. Give me the rancor any day.

It just didn't represent drumming to me. I wouldn't know what to do reading this aloud, and on the page it just looks like page-trickery. What about another representation? Would that fly? Like "up! up! towards them..." or "under-guitar-drum-thunder". Dashes always do it for me, obviously. And line breaks. The suggestion to split some of the lines into beats has some merit to it. Or - WAIT! Maybe write some lines out like bars of music with big spaces for measures or something! Crazy? Maybe just crazy enough to work!

Again, these are just suggestions, but I'm a freak for taking punctuation the way Webster intended it and can't help reading periods as sentence ends.

Another idea: more drum imagery. Use the words beat, backbeat, something onomatopoetic (which always makes people look for the rhythmical structures elsewhere.) Nentwined, I think, does a decently good job with that here (www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=78791). Is there room in the poem for a drummer? That can clue people in - again, readers are overwilling to look for that stuff if they have a clue it's in there. I think I might've gotten the rhythm to this (which on a second reading was definitely there) if I'd had more clues and less distraction from those periods. There's a really strong natural beat here, enough (almost) to suggest itself.

I don't want to crash their club, but I'd be interested in seeing what they do there. Where is it? I'll keep quiet.

re: "-- not sure if i get this..." Maybe:
My head is ringing, I
Smell guncotton. My shoulder aches and I say
Aiming.... Or some variation of that. (This, by the way, is not the variation you want. Just an idea.)

You could just say "And pay for the shooting with _____, which makes me go..." And think of a really crazy word for ___.

What kind of stuff gets praised on eratosphere? Is any of it here? I'm interested in how their taste differs from the rancor. I mean, I've been looking at NanceXToo's discussion group and thinking they're all so serious and blah. You have to put up with a lot of crap here, but you won't get bored reading tidy grown-up poems. And I think you can post stuff that's here a little less... polished. Stuff you actually want help on, maybe.

Ok. Break each of these lines in half, break every four lines into stanzas, and punctuate, and it'll be something like a poem. Better than some of your other ones.

How about "their beer"? And another word for takes?

If poetry were only a true expression of the poet's feelings, then the following would not technically be a poem:

THE POET WAITS FOR INSPIRATION -

Dowsing-rod,
snake,
quarter-pound burrito -
Names which I've given my own libido.

Sand-trap,
horse-face,
lady-in-furs -
Names which I've secretly given hers.

C'mon. There's two of you and only one of him. And can you beat a bit like "They lick an ashtray, as they get satisfaction"?? That's gold.