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Taller Girl (Free verse) by lastobelus Taller Girl whirled her skirt
in segregated circles, drawing
boundaries around her with it
with her hair twirled out in black circles
and her arms flung out that skirt coming
up.up. towards them, wooshing out and
drawing her space unusually wide
as she was unusually tall as if
she would somehow.turtle.down in it.
1.one drum and a guitar and then another
and under.guitar.drum.thunder.
her circling hair, her face comes cover
comes turning under that silk flung
black.Once.coming
around and the hair flying up
(I saw) turtled brows and closed blacklined eyes,
mouth turned down in (studied)
Oblivion.but the other.drum.come-
ing around had an opened eye,
(the) red lips turning up under
the flying glimpse of hair so I saw
that she saw that I saw her.drum.
Then went whirling away into the center
.drum.thump.un.til I saw only
the tips of her hair flying over the heads
of.all.the.(drum).others and heard
her stamping boots.
Up the ladder:
Stout Stick
Down the ladder:
Paranoia
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.3333335
Posted: March 9, 2003 2:55 PM PST; Last modified: February 7, 2004 7:17 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.0397344 Overall Rank: 7019 Comments:
The end was not as strong as i imagined, but it started and arced quite well. 7.
all my poems fizzle. I blame it on Attention Deficit Disorder.
i too am a sucker for illiterations, and you are there!
this would be my edit:
taller girl whirled her skirt in segregated circles drawing boundaries all around her with it, while her hair lashed out in little black laraits and, her long arms aloft, that skirt floated up towards them, wooshing out and drawing her space unusually wide, as she was unusually tall as if she could eclipse herself in it one drum and one guitar and then another and under her circling hair, her face comes, cover comes under that silken black and once more coming ?round with her hair flying up I saw furled brows and closed, black-lined eyes and a mouth turned down in studied oblivion; but another coming around had an opened eye and red upturned lips under the flying glimpse of hair, so that I saw that she saw that I saw her, and then she whirled away into the center until I saw only the fringe of her hair flying over the heads of all the others, and my moment, crushed under her stamping boots
Whimsy is, by its very nature, uncrushable.
.aff.e.cta.tion. It. ta.kesa.way fro..........m good/lines%like "her skirt in segregated circles" and 'turtling' down. 7 until you improve.
shit, I made it worse???? oops.
but teacher, the periods have a purpose! I'm drumming! It's not affectation if it's for a reason, is it? Ok, I confess, I'm reading him again. Should I ditch almost all the cummingsesqueness but leave S.2. L.2 as it stands? can I get away with keeping S1L6 too? The rest I can concede as affectation, including the brackets, and happily toss.
It just didn't represent drumming to me. I wouldn't know what to do reading this aloud, and on the page it just looks like page-trickery. What about another representation? Would that fly? Like "up! up! towards them..." or "under-guitar-drum-thunder". Dashes always do it for me, obviously. And line breaks. The suggestion to split some of the lines into beats has some merit to it. Or - WAIT! Maybe write some lines out like bars of music with big spaces for measures or something! Crazy? Maybe just crazy enough to work!
Again, these are just suggestions, but I'm a freak for taking punctuation the way Webster intended it and can't help reading periods as sentence ends. Another idea: more drum imagery. Use the words beat, backbeat, something onomatopoetic (which always makes people look for the rhythmical structures elsewhere.) Nentwined, I think, does a decently good job with that here (www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=
One more quibble: segregating circles would be more accurate; but I almost like segregated better, whether it makes sense or not. Something to think about, at any rate.
I will attack this again some time in the next few weeks. Maybe I'll even post it on eratosphere, if I'm feeling masochistic.
Reading again I see some very elementary problems. I musta been on crack when I edited & reposted this.
I don't believe in segregation. I couldn't finish it.
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Are you a gerrrrman?
Obvious comment about last line!!!!
Yippeee
dunno what you mean about the last line, please clarify!
I ain't no german. Just live there.