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First Shot (Free verse) by lastobelus
Phil walks ahead, Bootheels deepening the fallowed earth, with a Shotgun slung on his shoulder and a rifle hung In his left hand, pointed away up-field. The field's Far end harbours crows worrying shriveled kerns From split-husk cobs in a missed strip of corn And rooking up awkwardly in tight circles. Phil Stands on a plowcrest half the field away, looks Back and up I come to stand On the close edge of balance, thumbs in pockets. Phil watches me, his blue kin eyes under thickrimmed Glasses that darken in the pale autumn sun, then holds Out the rifle, barrel up, stock first. No one taught me to slow my breath and go quiet, how To hear my heart and make it pause a half beat, But holding the dark wood and blued metal I pull, And shoot a crow out of the air two feet off a furrow. Surprise Darkens crow and cousin, and Phil grins and says Jesus, First shot lucky. Then I know he stopped us far enough For me not to hit anything, nor him either and I feel Sick for killing a living thing, the crow almost brother. But I swallow and work the bolt, keen For the shooting, which makes me as calm as shock, The world gone far and small and sharp. My heart beats Too slow watching the crows circle undeterred, raucous And hungry. They settle down on the corn and Phil pushes His glasses higher on his nose, watches me go stark still. I pull the trigger again and take a crow off a cornstalk. Are you aiming or just shooting? My head is ringing and I Smell guncotton and my shoulder aches and I say Aiming.

Up the ladder: Fallen Charub
Down the ladder: Blackthoughtz

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.25
Weighted score: 5.2682066
Overall Rank: 3921
Posted: February 7, 2004 4:30 PM PST; Last modified: February 15, 2004 10:29 AM PST
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Comments:
[10] zodiac @ 67.240.155.140 | 7-Feb-04/9:43 PM | Reply
"up field" could be "upfield" or "up-field".

The word "darkens" isn't right.

I feel like "nor him neither" should be "nor him either".

If that's not grammatical, it sounds better to me.

"pay it for the shooting"? The crow? Like a native american tradition, or just ambiguous wording - you paid with guilt for the shooting?

I don't feel like the repetition of "and" in the last sentence does what you want it to, which I can clearly see you trying to do. It would be just as well, maybe, with a period after guncotton and no and before my.

This is my favorite one of yours so far. You know how I love a good narrative. Bravo and tchuss.
[n/a] lastobelus @ 217.226.21.57 > zodiac | 8-Feb-04/7:07 AM | Reply
"up field" could be "upfield" or "up-field".
-- will do

The word "darkens" isn't right.
-- hmm, have to think about that


I feel like "nor him neither" should be "nor him either".
-- yeah, that was on purpose wanting to capture a little rural sound, but it jars needlessly so I'll change it

"pay it for the shooting"? The crow?
Like a native american tradition, or just ambiguous
wording - you paid with guilt for the shooting?

-- this is the part of the pome that I can see really doesn't work. What I WANT to convey is the last -- that the kid (who is a natural shot -- not just good but very suprisingly good) enjoys shooting so much he's willing to pay for it with the sick feeling of killing something. I'll have to work on that part a bunch.

I don't feel like the repetition of "and" in the last
sentence does what you want it to, which I can
clearly see you trying to do. It would be just as
well, maybe, with a period after guncotton and no
and before my.

-- not sure if i get this...

This is my favorite one of yours so far. You know
how I love a good narrative. Bravo and tchuss.

-- Why thank you! This is NEW by the way. Woot. I posted on eratosphere, and wasn't totally crucified for a change. Although the first commenter did just post a single "?" as his comment. Asshole, lol. My comeuppance. The other posters' opinions were basically "crap, but crap with good potential"
[10] zodiac @ 67.240.155.70 > lastobelus | 8-Feb-04/8:18 AM | Reply
re: "-- not sure if i get this..." Maybe:
My head is ringing, I
Smell guncotton. My shoulder aches and I say
Aiming.... Or some variation of that. (This, by the way, is not the variation you want. Just an idea.)

You could just say "And pay for the shooting with _____, which makes me go..." And think of a really crazy word for ___.

What kind of stuff gets praised on eratosphere? Is any of it here? I'm interested in how their taste differs from the rancor. I mean, I've been looking at NanceXToo's discussion group and thinking they're all so serious and blah. You have to put up with a lot of crap here, but you won't get bored reading tidy grown-up poems. And I think you can post stuff that's here a little less... polished. Stuff you actually want help on, maybe.
[n/a] lastobelus @ 217.226.21.57 > zodiac | 8-Feb-04/9:29 AM | Reply
To be honest, though I can see the merit in a lot of the stuff posted on eratosphere, it mostly leaves me cold emotionally. I have no pretensions about why this is, I know it is at least partly and probably largely because my level of sophistication as a reader is lower than that of the average poster there. Still, there's almost never any balls hanging out and when there are they are quickly neatly trimmed away. Some things that are praised seem completely empty and obvious to me, stuff I'd write in notes and throw away as being completely boring and unoriginal.
[10] zodiac @ 67.240.211.237 > lastobelus | 8-Feb-04/9:50 AM | Reply
I don't want to crash their club, but I'd be interested in seeing what they do there. Where is it? I'll keep quiet.
[n/a] lastobelus @ 217.226.21.57 > zodiac | 8-Feb-04/10:08 AM | Reply
It's open to public. They have a new rule in the non-metrical forum that you must make 15 editorial posts before posting a pome. Er, poem.

http://www.ablemuse.com/erato/Ultimate.cgi
[10] zodiac @ 152.30.11.41 > lastobelus | 8-Feb-04/11:05 AM | Reply
I just spent an hour reading eratosphere. Ehh. Kinda airless in there, isn't it? And I agree: sterile. Give me the rancor any day.
[7] devina @ 195.5.76.233 | 11-Feb-04/9:53 AM | Reply
Thank you for your comment, I can say that was better!!! But about your poetry: I can also write stories you know. You maybe think that it´s poetry, but I don´t. A little less story telling only. You can try to write a book, can´t you?
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 163.1.146.87 > devina | 11-Feb-04/10:16 AM | Reply
You are one of the thickest people on poemeranker. Where in SODOMY do you get the idea that a poeme should not tell a story? I'll tell you where you get the idea - you figure: 'poeme' and 'story' are two different words, so nothing can be both a 'poeme' and a 'story'. Yeah nice one!!!!1111 Thanks, -10-
[10] zodiac @ 67.240.211.242 > devina | 11-Feb-04/10:51 AM | Reply
ALL good poetry tells stories. And a good thing too. If Homer had written something like "The World Today" or "I Don't Fit In" instead of two decent stories called The Iliad and The Odyssey, you probably wouldn't have a couple thousand years of culture to be shitting on with your near-complete ignorance, you little ducktard. 0.
[10] Shuushin @ 207.5.211.177 | 15-Feb-04/5:55 PM | Reply
"as calm as shock"
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