lastobelus8 Feb 2004

"up field" could be "upfield" or "up-field".
-- will do

The word "darkens" isn't right.
-- hmm, have to think about that


I feel like "nor him neither" should be "nor him either".
-- yeah, that was on purpose wanting to capture a little rural sound, but it jars needlessly so I'll change it

"pay it for the shooting"? The crow?
Like a native american tradition, or just ambiguous
wording - you paid with guilt for the shooting?

-- this is the part of the pome that I can see really doesn't work. What I WANT to convey is the last -- that the kid (who is a natural shot -- not just good but very suprisingly good) enjoys shooting so much he's willing to pay for it with the sick feeling of killing something. I'll have to work on that part a bunch.

I don't feel like the repetition of "and" in the last
sentence does what you want it to, which I can
clearly see you trying to do. It would be just as
well, maybe, with a period after guncotton and no
and before my.

-- not sure if i get this...

This is my favorite one of yours so far. You know
how I love a good narrative. Bravo and tchuss.

-- Why thank you! This is NEW by the way. Woot. I posted on eratosphere, and wasn't totally crucified for a change. Although the first commenter did just post a single "?" as his comment. Asshole, lol. My comeuppance. The other posters' opinions were basically "crap, but crap with good potential"