on some deleted poem
23 Jan 2004, 4:22 AM
W e l c o m e back, Herr Mage.
on some deleted poem
15 Jan 2004, 1:25 PM
Water and oil apparently do mix; welcome back.
on some deleted poem
15 Jan 2004, 1:32 PM
"mad grey men
capped white with passing"
most excellent.
capped white with passing"
most excellent.
on some deleted poem
15 Jan 2004, 1:33 PM
the line break conveys the length well; nice!
on Skull Soup v.2 by SupremeDreamer
15 Jan 2004, 1:39 PM
I like it, with one small exception - okay two, but the second is more general.
The first stanza - mixed metaphor, I think you can fix it with removing the last three lines (and still completely retain the meaning).
It may be my taste, but I kept feeling like strings of words could be removed here and there, maybe 2,3 words in a row - to make the remainder more rich.
The first stanza - mixed metaphor, I think you can fix it with removing the last three lines (and still completely retain the meaning).
It may be my taste, but I kept feeling like strings of words could be removed here and there, maybe 2,3 words in a row - to make the remainder more rich.
on some deleted poem
22 Jan 2004, 1:57 PM
So close...
on some deleted poem
13 Jan 2004, 7:24 PM
nothing gold can stay...
i think too much telling for such imagery - were it a story of some type; well maybe it is. dunno.
i think too much telling for such imagery - were it a story of some type; well maybe it is. dunno.
on some deleted poem
26 Jan 2004, 7:43 PM
Thanks for the great response, all - very much appreciated. Big thanks, GW for the specifics.
on Are You O.K.? by sonawrote
27 Jan 2004, 6:31 AM
I think it would be a grand percent better without the "without delay" - as it is, its fairly good and I can see it working very well at a poetry reading.
on Dry Beast Night by fevriere
27 Jan 2004, 6:41 AM
interesting rhymes and near-word reflections. It struck me (not harshly) more as an exercise, albeit a good one, rather than a poem that can stand on its own; a little too much of one trick in the pony-beast.
Having said all that - this beast is a sestina fer crying out loud, and one of the more cogent ones I've read in a while so; huge kudos for that. Nice job.
Having said all that - this beast is a sestina fer crying out loud, and one of the more cogent ones I've read in a while so; huge kudos for that. Nice job.
on Drying, Cracked Roots by AnotherNothing
27 Jan 2004, 6:50 AM
I like that it is a non-typical angle on the life of a tree; futility rather than growth and life (the same thing, perhaps).
What about changing the last "trees" to a specific kind of trees? Don't do willow - too "done".
Alternatively, maybe a specific *part* of a tree (trunks, roots, branches...).
anyway, I like what you have, more so for the different perspective.
What about changing the last "trees" to a specific kind of trees? Don't do willow - too "done".
Alternatively, maybe a specific *part* of a tree (trunks, roots, branches...).
anyway, I like what you have, more so for the different perspective.
on some deleted poem
27 Jan 2004, 1:09 PM
What are you trying to say?
on some deleted poem
27 Jan 2004, 1:10 PM
good.
on So Much**coment this sucks. I want to make it better by Freethinker1602
27 Jan 2004, 1:19 PM
17 lines = 17 poems yet to be made; each is title.
Its a shopping list, come back with a full bag.
Its a shopping list, come back with a full bag.
on some deleted poem
27 Jan 2004, 9:30 PM
I see you.
on some deleted poem
28 Jan 2004, 8:09 PM
need to fix a few things.
on some deleted poem
30 Jan 2004, 12:10 PM
This is, without a doubt, the filthiest thing I've read on these pages.
[Thinly] veiled poetic allusions to oral, anal (etc.) sex, golden (etc.) showers, flesh "decorating" including cutting - kindof scary, really.
And given the level of craftmanship - it's not realy poetry is it - it's a shopping list, or at best "what I did on my summer vacation".
disgusting.
[Thinly] veiled poetic allusions to oral, anal (etc.) sex, golden (etc.) showers, flesh "decorating" including cutting - kindof scary, really.
And given the level of craftmanship - it's not realy poetry is it - it's a shopping list, or at best "what I did on my summer vacation".
disgusting.
good one.