| regarding some deleted poem... |
30-Aug-02/8:00 PM |
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i like this, despite the forced rhymes. what is this victory you write of, if not p-u-s-h-e-d beyond endurance. so, the strains of 'must rhyme, must must must rhyme' are understandable...still wish it was easier on the eyes. sports-minded, and all
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| Re: you're never alone by nentwined |
30-Aug-02/8:11 PM |
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no deeds, only mad thoughts without gender.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
30-Aug-02/8:17 PM |
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samson, enjoy. au revoir, mon cher
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
30-Aug-02/8:20 PM |
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but they can also sing so sweetly. can't you hear their song, wafting gently from out the other side?
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| Re: Come tonight I'm waiting by kawakurdi |
30-Aug-02/8:23 PM |
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your words are alway like the wind in the trees to me, gently reassuring, although i hardly ever feel what you have felt. still, there is a warmth to their tone that is inescapable. i rarely comment, because i only begin to understand. you have your own ocean.
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| Re: To Diana, five years away by kawakurdi |
31-Aug-02/4:50 AM |
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the words themselves ache with the loss.
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| Re: Black Heart by brazen |
3-Sep-02/7:29 AM |
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why brazen? aren't you interested in improving? did you spring full-formed and perfect from the brow of a god? your language is awkward and overfull in this piece. it is not good the way it is. i'm happy for you that you are happy with your writings the way they fall out of your fingers; i wouldn't want to meet your ego in a dark alley, though.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
3-Sep-02/7:33 AM |
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get out your dictionary. i don't think you are aware that what you are saying is not what you mean.
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| Re: Just One More Time by KatieKaBoom |
3-Sep-02/7:34 AM |
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oh! the last line is too weak. the rest of it is great, though.
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| Re: Ghosts II by timfowler |
3-Sep-02/7:37 AM |
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are you one of these ghosts? or were you, until touched by that gentle hand?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
3-Sep-02/7:47 AM |
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this feels very prosaic; i'm not sure it's all worked out and put together in the most effective sequence. i don't get the misogeny aspect at all. i think it's more about the guy being miserable in his own skin, but not able/willing to do anything about it. that happier hour (nice pun, by the way) isn't going to come to him, as he sits staring down the waitress's blouse...but he knows that.
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| Re: Conversation Piece by timfowler |
3-Sep-02/7:49 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
3-Sep-02/7:51 AM |
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so? doug, what is this? it states nothing, but at least it does it succintly. now, if you were just buying space so you could post something else later, i could understand posting this...otherwise, what were you thinking, man?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
3-Sep-02/7:56 AM |
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mrs.g --lovely and passionate. i think i might like it better if he traced his words on you, since his hands are doing the talking. (what alluring words they must have uttered) but i don't like the word 'speak' twice in the first two lines. interesting that his hands speak in prose, yet his palm is a sonnet...
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
3-Sep-02/8:00 AM |
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crows, smart birds. protecting their own. scavengers and theives. loyal. vocal. yes. i like this very much. --'corp' is always plural--'corps' is pronounced 'core' and i'm pretty sure that's how you want it?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
3-Sep-02/8:02 AM |
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katie, bitterness doesn't become you. glad you got it out, but wish you had done something with it.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
3-Sep-02/8:14 AM |
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what a nightmare that dream must have been. yes, i think to dream of being able to tell is a good way to end the poem. the way the words twist on the page, the violation i felt for her in the reading of it--trust betrayed, faith evaporated, anger at god... you tell it well, now. i am so sorry you had the experience that inspired it.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
3-Sep-02/8:24 AM |
okay, are you experienceing a taste you don't like? it's still awkward. 'abhors' is a great word, but it doesn't work well here. i still don't get the sense of the second line. i think you might want a comma: 'i hid, a hermit in...' also, one weaves ON or AT a loom;
i don't know--are you just trying to say that you're shutting yourself away?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
3-Sep-02/8:32 AM |
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wheni am an old woman, i shall WEAVE purple? :]
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| Re: Equinox by timfowler |
3-Sep-02/8:34 AM |
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it would be lovely if darness brought some stars along to serve as candlelight. what a romance.
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